The things left undone

Ever since finding out I was pregnant back at the beginning of August, I’ve been learning one main lesson: how to find joy when life’s a mess. I had been learning this lesson before then too but there’s nothing like pregnancy exhaustion to take the wind out of your sails and fast (ok, well, maybe new mother exhaustion).

After years of being a morning person, I am back to setting and resetting my alarm clock to the latest possible time I can get up and still make it to work on time. And that’s even after getting 9 hours of sleep.

I feel accomplished on a weeknight if I do anything except walk in the door and plop on the couch. Making dinner, walking the dogs or doing laundry are big wins.

Though I would still describe myself as a person who loves to be active, you’d never guess it by what my weeks look like.

Many of the ambitious goals I set up for myself at the beginning of the year have been left in the wake of another goal’s fulfillment – getting pregnant. That would include working on my nonfiction book. (Another side effect of not being a morning person anymore.)

I don’t like the feeling of being behind. Of having so many things I would like to do but am not doing. Of spending so many days not being productive. God knows that I have used productivity like a safety blanket in the past. A way of reassuring myself that I am valuable, I’m doing something worthwhile, I’m in control.

So I’ve accepted this season as a very practical challenge from God to learn to let things go. (I know this lesson will come in handy when our baby is born as well.) No, I’m not accomplishing everything I’d like to. No, I’d rather not spend an entire weeknight on the couch doing nothing. But when I come home from work and have ZERO energy, or life is keeping me busy with just staying afloat, that’s the reality. And I can still find contentment and joy amid all the things left undone.

I recognize that there is a balance between legitimate rest and laziness, and it’s tough to maintain. Most mornings I reset my alarm out of laziness, and then regret it later. But instead of letting that shortcoming inspire a feeling of failure in me for the whole day or week (like I used to), I pray. I tell God that I didn’t do what I wanted to do and ask for His help to change. I want to get up early to read the Bible and work on my book. I want to exercise after work instead of watching TV. But I also want to give myself grace, like God gives grace. He doesn’t berate me when I fail. He just offers another chance.

I wrote this about a year ago and it is still 100% the reminder I need:

God is more realistic about my abilities than I am. Like QuatroMama writes in this post, I tend to set up my own (perfectionist) standards and then beat myself up when I fall short.

But God is realistic. “For he knows our frame; he remembers that we are dust.”He doesn’t ask me to be Mega Woman. He understands that I only have so many minutes in a day and if I spend time doing this thing, I don’t have time for that thing. If I’m exhausted and want to veg instead of clean, He doesn’t accuse me of laziness and not being productive, like I do to myself. Unlike me, He is full of grace, understanding, and patience.

This is where the Gospel makes all the difference. The Gospel allows us to admit that we fall short of what we wish we were, but reassures us that we’re loved anyway. And God’s love for us isn’t despite how we’ve disappointed Him, or failed to live up to His standard. Because when He sees us in Christ, He sees perfect beings. We are completely and utterly righteous in His eyes.“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgression from us.”

He doesn’t mutter “I love you” through gritted teeth while trying to not be mad over all the things we’ve done wrong. God’s love abounds for us. He lavishly pours out grace upon grace into our lives with delight.

In the words of John Piper, remind yourself, “I am holy and I am loved.” Even when life is messy.

I may not be accomplishing everything I want to accomplish today, but that’s ok. I truly believe that God would rather I learn to live in the freedom of grace and knowing I’m loved by Him no matter what, than cross things off my to-do list. This world is temporary; only the eternal things truly matter.

How do you find joy amid the things left undone?

Resting in God for Life

{While I’m reading copious amounts of books in Alaska, please enjoy these posts from the archives and random thoughts library of Life, Really.}

–Originally posted January 15, 2011–

God is so faithful.

I had a rough start to this past week. Being back from Mexico, I was confronted with all of the problems I had left behind: namely, my struggle with what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. Again, I was stressed out. It felt like there was a heavy ball of anxiety sitting right on my chest. I felt paralyzed. I had nothing that I had to do and yet didn’t feel free to do anything. I felt like I had to be productive. Like that’s what a good model citizen does – they get stuff done. But I didn’t want to get stuff done. I wanted to relax and read.

Little by little, God has been inviting me to release the responsibility I feel for my life. At first, He showed me I could let go of being responsible for my sanctification. Instead of rifling through my own soul looking for sins that I needed to work on, I could trust God to convict me of the sins that He wanted me to work on.

He then showed me I could let go of being responsible for projects at work. Even though I don’t technically have a job right now, I am helping out at the church and as such, I feel involved enough to be held responsible for things succeeding or failing. But God says that I can release those projects to Him too. It’s not me accomplishing His work – it’s Him accomplishing His work through me. I wrote these points in my journal:

1. God knows what needs to be done and when.

2. I can trust God to guide my day and to provide the wisdom, inspiration, and motivation necessary. I can even trust Him to bring to mind things I need to remember.

3. I can leave unfinished projects in God’s care – this is His work after all. He will take care of it.

4. If and when I fail, I can run to God and He will help me fix the mess. He is a gracious, patient and loving God.

Finally, God showed me that I can let go of what I have perceived to be the things I needed to be doing to live the life I want to live. I had been creating my own religious rules about how to live but God had not empowered me to live those. I constantly felt like I should be doing more than I was doing. If I bought a coffee at Starbuck’s, I felt guilty that I didn’t donate that money to charity. If I spent time reading a book, I felt guilty that I was making myself happy instead of helping someone else in need. I was constantly questioning my motives and constantly feeling condemned by what I perceived to be the selfishness of everything I did. Even the good, thoughtful things I did for others were swallowed up in the notion that they were just drops in the ocean of my own patheticness.

But praise the Lord, He has revealed the truth to me! On Thursday morning, after feeling very discouraged and fed up with life on Wednesday night, God showed me that what had started out as a good desire – wanting to live above the status quo for Christ – I had turned into an end in itself. I was trying to make myself right with God by setting a high standard for my way of life. I only succeeded in making myself miserable. Because I can’t make myself right with God!

And I don’t have to. I don’t have to procure my own salvation because of Jesus and I don’t have to make my life count because of Jesus. For the longest time, I thought that surrendering control meant conceding defeat. Resting in Christ meant that I didn’t care if my life changed – it meant I was ok if I just kept on living the typical American lifestyle. But I did care! So I couldn’t, I wouldn’t surrender. I had to make my life what I thought it should be – because if I didn’t, who would?

I am in awe at God’s perfect timing. Just totally in awe. In the past month, I read 2 books that revolutionized the way I look at my relationship with God: Walking With God by John Eldredge and Soul Craving by Joel Warne. Both authors talk about listening to God, walking through situations with God, talking to God, communing with God. I had never before realized that such an intimate two-way interaction with God was possible!

Because of that new discovery, the idea of surrendering control of my life and my expectations and desires to God makes sense. Before, I didn’t understand how I could let go of control and expect things to still happen. I mean, after all, even though God is sovereign, He is not a puppeteer. I still have to act. So how would anything change if I gave up trying to change things?

I see now that change comes out of an intimate relationship with God. As I am walking with God, talking with Him, listening to Him, inviting Him in to every area and experience of my life, I am changed. I sense His Spirit’s leading. I see doors open that I would have missed before. I find courage to do what I couldn’t in the past. This is exactly what I wanted for my life and was so desperately striving after. But now, it is God leading me. It is God doing the hard work. Joel Warne writes in his book that our relationship with God is a responsive one. He leads; we respond.

Moreover, if there is something amiss in my life, something I should abstain from or do differently, I can trust God to reveal those things to me. I don’t have to obsess over everything and continually feel guilty. This has been the biggest relief of all. I can finally put in correct perspective all of the mundane, practical, trivial details of life. I don’t have to question everything anymore! I can live everyday life in faith that when God wants to change something, when He wants to move me, He will reveal that to me. And He provides the courage and grace for obedience on top! So now, instead of asking God to show me what He wants me to do with my life, I pray:

“Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there by any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”(Psalm 139:23).

I cannot undermine enough what a revolutionary shift in paradigm this is for me. I feel like I had been going through the motions of life in black and white but now I am rejuvenated with vigor and eagerness to engage in life in Technicolor! Because my life is what it is because of God. And I can rest in Him for wisdom, guidance, sanctification. I can trust Him to do in my life what I have been desiring – because He desires it even more than I do!!

GOD IS AWESOME!!

A Sabbath Rest

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about my inability to relax and have realized that I operate under the belief, “If I’m not productive, I’m worthless.” I’ve felt like I always have to be “on”, that’s there no excuse for me to ever not get something done if the only thing I was doing instead was nothing. Distorted thinking, I tell ya.

But, as with my food log, with knowledge comes power. Only once I recognize the reality of my situation and accept it, can I bring it before God to have Him change it. So that’s what I’m doing through prayer – and through observing the Sabbath.

I have often felt God call me to do the one thing that scares me the most. It freaks me out to think of an entire day in which I accomplish nothing. A day when the order of my house, the food in the fridge, and the piles of dirty clothes will stay exactly as they are from dawn until dusk. What will I do with all the time gained?

Reclaim my sanity.

This is, at its core, an an issue of faith. The question is, do I really trust that God is in charge of my life? If I do, then I can trust Him to work things out for my good, even while I take a break. I am not the one holding the plates in the air. I’m not the keeping our lives from imploding into piles of dust, dirt and mold.

But the very fact that I can’t take a break reveals that in reality, I believe I am indispensable.

So I see observing the Sabbath as a declaration of my spirit: I will, as terrifying as it is, put away my to-do list and relax, trusting God that everything will be ok.

“So there remains a Sabbath rest for the people of God, for whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from his works as God did from his” (Hebrews 4:9-10).

Survival of the Busiest

Well, I survived. Not only elk hunting, but also the season of busyness that I thought would never end. But it has ended. Well, sort of. I just realized this morning that I have coffee with Cathy tomorrow morning and then a girls’ night tomorrow morning (let the eating commence!), and then Sunday morning, I’m doing lights, plus we have a church meeting at night. Then there’s the giant pile of dirty, stinky clothes that Katy burrowed into last night instead of sleeping on her dog bed. And the rest of the house is a mess.

Ah, open weekend – you still elude me.

Seriously, every time over the past couple of months when I thought I had an open weekend and was poised to bask in its gloriousness under a blanket on the couch, something happened to make it not-so-restful. The weekend I was swore I was going to do nothing was eaten up by antelope butchering. Then my darn obsession with productivity robbed me of another weekend. And here I am, after 5 months of frazzled activity and constant plans, completely burnt out.

Last night was the tipping point. I came home from work, already in a bad mood and completely exhausted. Last week had been a frenetic blur of cooking, baking, church meetings, and packing. Then elk hunting was surprisingly exhausting. I was ready to collapse onto the couch in a coma and not move for the next 4 hours.

Instead, I came home to cook dinner and vacuum seal elk meat all night. {Side note: I realize this is a part of hunting and because I enjoy elk meat so much, I try to remind myself that this is worth it. And my in-laws were very considerate of my anal-retentiveness. But alas, tired people [moi] are not rational people.} The combination of Chardonnay, raw meat everywhere, piles of laundry, unpacked bags, more piles of laundry, blood on the kitchen floor and carpet, every dish I own being used for butchering, and knowing I had to go back to work in the morning culminated with me pretty much having a meltdown. No more Mr. Nice Guy. When I ran out of vacuum seal bags 15 minutes before Target closed, I did a little happy dance inside, snippily refused to go buy more and instead, cleaned up my sealing mess and went to bed. If they needed my help, too damn bad.

I was hoping that I’d wake up this morning in a better mood. Nope, still bitchy. I am just done. Don’t ask me for anything because all you’ll get is a black eye. You want coffee? Get it yourself. You need clean clothes? Wash them yourself. You need a lunch? Go buy one yourself. I don’t care anymore. Leave me alone or I will rage on you.

I think it’s safe to say that I need a break.

But I’m torn. Part of the reason for my mental breakdown is that my house is in complete disarray. I do not function well when things are messy. But do I compromise the time I could have on the couch for cleaning? Or do I blow off the cleaning for the sake of relaxation, only to be bothered by the mess all weekend?

My thought is to relax tonight, do laundry tomorrow, and clean on Sunday. I would say that I should do everything tonight so that I’ll have the weekend open but I’ve discovered that my Work Now, Play Later philosophy is the reason why I usually end up with no time to relax. What’s better than sitting down with some hot tea and a good book in a clean room?, I reason.  The problem is, I usually end up finding just one more thing to do here, one more thing there, and before I know it, the day is over and all I’ve done is work.

Up next: Elk Hunting Extravaganza

Do you like to Work Now, Play Later or Play Now, Work Later?

How do you keep from being a bitch when you’re stressed out?

Race Recap: Crescent Moon Sprint Tri

Well, I ended up doing the triathlon. Travis convinced me that it would be more fun if I did it with him than if I just watched. And I went on a short run Friday after work and felt almost normal, although a little bit more tired. So I went for it.

We got up around 5 and left the house by 5:30. We arrived at the race site a little after 6 and rode our bikes from the parking area down to the transition area, where packet pickup was. After we racked our bikes and put our stuff down, we picked up our packets and got body-marked.

The morning started off very pretty.

But by the time the swim started, it clouded over. It was upper 50s and cloudy/rainy all day.

Travis and I had plenty of time before the race to get our stuff set up, go to the bathroom several times, survey the swim course, note all of the transition exits (there was a different chute for each entrance/exit!), and run a decent warmup (me feeling very tired and sluggish!). I loved the feeling of not being rushed. I also had purposefully drank hardly anything that morning so that I would not have a repeat of Steamboat (in having to pee a lot). I had hydrated well the week before the race and figured the distance was short enough that I’d be fine.

Right after we got back from our last bathroom break, we took off our sweatshirts and sweatpants and headed down to the swim. Travis was in the first wave so he got in the water to warm up and pretty soon, he was off. I tried to keep track of him but lost him pretty quickly in the sea of yellow caps. I prayed for him to have a good swim, since I knew how nervous/unsure he had been about it.

After two more waves took off, I got in the water to warm up. I didn’t wear my wetsuit again but wished I had. Man, the water was cold! They said it was 69 degrees, 1 degree warmer than Steamboat. Well, someone measured wrong either at Cherry Creek or Steamboat because there is no way that Steamboat was colder than Cherry Creek. It probably didn’t help that it was only in the mid-5os outside. But I forced myself to put my head in and swim around a bit. It wasn’t enjoyable but I’d live.

As soon as the wave before mine left, I got out of the water and stood in line. Brrrr! I tried to control my flailing limbs while counting the seconds down until I could get back into the water and get moving.

Finally, it was time to go. It was a beach start and they had positioned a small buoy about 40 feet from shore that you had to keep on your right, to prevent people from running down the beach instead of actually swimming. The gung-ho swimmers in the front did the whole Baywatch thing into the water. I ran a bit, then walked to give the women ahead of me a chance to move out a bit before I started swimming. I’ was in no rush.

I made sure to settle into my swim pace right off the bat and breathe calmly – and it worked. The 750 meter swim was very uneventful. But I was glad to see the finish flags and finally be out of the water.

My feet were like ice cubes as I ran the long stretch up to transition. But I was pleasantly surprised that I had energy. When Travis and I had walked that section earlier in the morning, it had felt very hard to breathe. I had decided that I didn’t have to run up to transition. But after the swim, running up that part didn’t feel too hard.

Official Swim Time (including run to TA): 24:59

Unofficial Swim Time (not including run): 22:30 

Once in transition, I noticed Travis’ bike was gone. He had survived the swim! I rinsed off my feet, got my socks and shoes on and then took a little extra time to dry off and put on a long sleeve shirt. With the clouds, cool weather and being wet, I didn’t want to be cold on the bike. I grabbed my helmet, sunglasses and bike and off I went.

Official T1 Time: 2:56

I had been expecting my legs to feel weird like they had at Steamboat but they didn’t. I started off the bike feeling good. Around mile 1.5, I took a drink of my water and missed the bottle cage as I was attempting to replace it. So I had to get off my bike and go back to get my water bottle. There were no aid stations on the bike and I wanted my water bottle. Bah.

Back on the bike, I passed some people, a lot of people passed me. I pushed it up the biggest hill and decided that from there on out, I would take it easy. I didn’t want to ruin my legs for the run, like I have a habit of doing. So I took it easy. And it definitely showed in my time!

Right at the turnaround, I decided to eat my Shotbloks. I had eaten 2 and was going for my third when I dropped them on the ground. What was wrong with me? I was dropping things like it was my job! I looked around for a USAT official who would ping me for abandoned equipment. All I saw was a dude on a motorcycle and he was not USAT so I left my Shotbloks, feeling stupid and bummed.

The road through Cherry Creek that we biked on is so ridiculously bumpy that I will never do a triathlon there again (unless they repave it). It was just not fun to be on it so by the time I got back to the transition area, I was so ready to be done.

I glanced at my bike computer as I was re-racking my bike and it read 12.2 miles, instead 11.5 miles, like the race officials said.

Official Bike Time: 46:12 (14.9 mph) 

By this time, the sun had started peeking out of the clouds and warming things up nicely so I ditched my long sleeve shirt, grabbed my hat and sunglasses, and left.

Official T2 Time: 1:06

Since the first triathlon I ever did was at this same venue, I was familiar with the run course – it was almost exactly the same one. The first .5 mile is all uphill, then it flattens out for .5 mile, then the last 2 miles are rolling hills. My legs actually felt great for the first mile. I pushed up the hill and when I reached the first mile marker, I calculated a 10:00/mile pace. Sweet!

The 2nd mile was at a 11:00/mile pace but then the bottom fell out in the 3rd mile. I like to think it’s because I was sick and wasn’t at 100% capacity but I stopped and walked a few times because my legs just felt tired. Finally, I was almost to the finish line. I saw Travis watching for me and encouraged him to run with me a little, which he did.

Official Run Time: 34:18 (11:04/mile) 

Official Overall Time: 1:49:30

My goal going in to the race was to hit 1:45, but really I would have been satisfied with anything under 2 hours. So I made it. Woohoo! Since the bike was longer and made this race closer to being the same distance as the Oktoberfest tri I back in 2009, I was interested to compare my 2 times. My times from before were:

Swim: 19:57

T1: 2:14

Bike: 46:34

T2: 1:09

Run: 34:07

I finished that race in 1:43:59. Ah well. I don’t really care all that much.

Travis, of course, beat me (I knew he would). It’s funny though – I did the swim and transitions faster, he did the bike (on a mountain bike!) and run faster. He creamed me on the run. Here are his splits:

Swim: 26:28 

T1: 3:08

Bike: 44:09 (15.6 mph)

T2: 1:23

Run: 24:58 (8:03/mile)

Total: 1:40:05

So he did great! I think he had a very positive experience and even talked about doing another triathlon next year. I am very proud of him and had a lot fun doing a race with him. It’s kind of funny – we both placed 180th in our sex! (There were a total of 470 finishers – 233 male and 242 females).

And with that, Triathlon Season 2011 is in the books. I did 3 Sprints and 1 Oly this year. I am satisfied and ready to not ride my bike again until I get it professionally fitted. Our half marathon relay is in 3 weeks and then Race Season 2011 is over. Have I mentioned how ready I am? 

As far as the race itself went, this event was put on by Racing Underground – a pretty well-known group in Denver. I’ve done several races that they’ve timed but this was the first I had done that they’ve put on. I think they did a lot of things well – their website is informative with course maps, they sent out a pre-race email, their packet pickup was very organized and the goodie bags were stuffed. They also had plenty of porta-potties and their music/microphones were loud enough to hear.

Some things they can improve on: when I heard that we would get sweatshirts instead of t-shirts, I was excited. But while I will wear the navy blue sweatshirt sans hood and enjoy it, I can’t see Travis – or really any other guy – wearing it. I mean, guys don’t really wear sweatshirts without hoods, unless they’re playing basketball or over 40. So that’s a bummer.

Plus, it looked like they spent more money on the sweatshirts and got rid of the finishers medals. I know there’s some debate about whether finishers medals are cool or just unnecessary. Those who do oodles of races (and win!) don’t really care. Well, I care. And my husband who just did his first race cares. I want a medal because I will never win an award!

The last thing I was bummed about was that they didn’t have any finish line food like bagels, bananas, etc. The only food they offered was the post-race meal – BBQ – and while I was pumped that it was something that sounded good and that I could probably eat without getting sick after the race (my stomach won’t tolerate anything too sweet), the line was 200 people long. It stretched across the parking lot. Granted, it was a pleasant day and the food looked good but we just didn’t feel like waiting in line. I wished I could have just grabbed a bagel and been done with it.

So Travis and I went home, showered and went to BWW instead. Mmmm… I tried the new Soft Pretzels. AMAZING! I will definitely get those again. They just hit the spot. I also got 8 Honey BBQ boneless wings but only ate 4 because I ate too much of the pretzels. Then we rented Thor (great movie – looking forward to the sequel!) and Your Highness (would NOT recommend because of all the dirty, disgusting humor) and laid on the couch for the rest of the day. Glorious.

I’m glad that I did the race but my body is not. I felt increasingly sick yesterday and today, my whole head is congested, I have a runny nose and am coughing/sneezing a lot. So I’m forced again today to take things easy and relax. I guess this is good – I always like the idea of resting in theory but when it comes down to actually doing it, being productive always sounds more appealing. So I am going to take the dogs on a walk, go buy some tomato soup to go with grilled cheese for dinner, and then I’m going to plop my rump on the sofa for the rest of the evening.

The only bummer about being sick while relaxing is that I feel too tired/groggy to read so I end up watching copious amounts of TV. (There’s me trying to sneak in productivity again!) Oh well – I’ll enjoy being a bum!

How was your weekend?

Have you ever done a race while sick/not feeling your best?

Weekly Recap: 6/27 – 7/03

Happy Tuesday readers! Did you all survive the first day back to work after the long weekend? I was actually very productive today at work – and productive doing work things. (Shocking, I know.) And I was productive today after work: I went to the bank and grocery store, made dinner, am now blogging, and will be folding the last load of laundry shortly. Then it’s probably off to bed for a little reading and lots of sleep. This weekend’s backpacking adventures were exhausting – I’ll post pictures tomorrow.

Life caused many edits to the training plan last week. Here’s what I ended up doing:

Monday: Rest

Tuesday: AM – Ran 5.65 miles in 1:04:23

PM – Biked 3.14 miles to/from Rec; Swam 1800 yards

The focus of my run this day was just distance so my pace was my normal 11:23 range. My knees and IT band were acting up. I’ve noticed that when I run slower, my legs hurt more. I think it’s because when I run faster, I engage more muscles so it stabilizes my leg more. Must run faster more often.

For my swim, I did a pyramid again – 2 x 100, 2 x 200, 2 x 300, 2 x 200, 2 x 100; alternating between the front crawl and breaststroke.

Wednesday: Biked 31.62 miles

My longest bike ride EVER! And man, did my back say so loud and clear. I biked with a friend who is a leisurely biker and while it was great to have the company, the ride took me longer than expected – 3:06:39 to be exact (that is 10 mph). No wonder why my shoulders and palms were crying out in pain – I increased my time spent on the bike from 1:07 to 3:07! The biggest lesson I learned from this ride is that I need to get in some longer rides. I don’t know if my back would have tolerated a 10K run after that.

Thursday: (Unplanned) Rest

Due to getting home at 10 PM after Wednesday’s bike ride, I didn’t swim in the morning like I was supposed to. And after work, I was so pooped that I did. not. want. to. swim. So instead, I got in the pool. Yes, you read that right. I used that evening just to coach Travis in the pool on his technique. I did get in a couple hundred yards but I’m not counting it as a workout.

Friday: BRICK – 6 mile bike on the trainer; 1 mile run

I was worried that doing too much on Friday would make me too tired for our backpacking trip on Saturday so while I averaged 20 mph on the bike and then ran the mile in 9:50, I wasn’t hammering it like I had planned to do my bricks. But my legs were still tired on Saturday. Oh bother.

Saturday: Backpacking – 5.7 miles; 1,800 ft elevation gain

Holy crap. This was a hard hike. There was sweat pouring down my face, dripping off my chin, and soaking my shirt. My pack weighed about 25 lbs, which I’m sure added to the difficulty, but this trail would’ve kicked my butt regardless. About 4 miles in, I was cursing and questioning what crazy idea ever made me think backpacking was fun. Obviously I survived. But I’ll leave the rest of the details for tomorrow.

Sunday: 1.5 mile walk/hike

This day was just spent reading and watching Travis and our friends, Ahren and Lauren, fish. More details to come…

But here’s a sneak peek at pictures:

 

Totals:

Swim: 1,800 yards

Bike: 40.76 miles

Run: 6.65 miles

Hike: 7.2 miles

Today was a much-needed rest day (although I’m not as sore I expected to be). Tomorrow it’s back on schedule!

Construing days of rest

I like the idea of a Sabbath. Taking time to relax, recharge, read and spend time with family is always a good idea. I’ve tried in the past to observe a Sabbath – I once had the idea of a Silent Sunday, during which I didn’t listen to the radio, watch TV, or do anything on the computer. In essence, unplugging. It was a great idea, one I would still be inclined to do if it weren’t for having a little something called a husband. He was not jumping on the bandwagon of my idea so the notion fell by the wayside.

Other times, I have been just plain lazy on Sundays – taking a nap, reading, watching TV, pretending to think about exercising but never really planning on doing so.

But I wouldn’t say I’ve ever been really that intentional about setting aside a day for rest.

Maybe it’s because by my very nature, I already take plenty of time to relax. I need to relax or I’ll implode. Taking one more day for rest would seem like overkill. I guess now, with my current state of unemployment, I’ve practically got a season of Sabbath on my hands.

It’s kind of like date nights for me and Travis. I definitely see the value of them for couples who have kids but for me and Travis, who see each other every day and night, and spend a lot of evenings just the 2 of us, they seem somewhat superfluous. Why plan a specific night to hang out when we spend every night together?

I am not a person who can handle go-go-go. I can be busy for a couple of days in a row before I need a breather. Ideally, there would be a constant balance: busyness in the morning, then rest in the afternoon, and a casual evening. Here’s a sample Saturday: getting in the Word when I get up, going on a 3-mile run, attending a baby shower in the morning, stopping by the bank and grocery store on my way home, lying on the couch with a good book, taking a 30-45 minute nap, making a delicious dinner with Travis, having a glass of wine, and watching a movie from Redbox. I do also enjoy relaxing in the morning, then being busy at night but I much prefer to enjoying my relaxation time after getting productivity out of the way.

Today, as I was painting our new front door, I was thinking about the whole idea of a Sabbath. The Bible talks about there being 6 days for work and 1 day for rest. Yesterday, Travis and I bummed around on the couch all day, watching movies, doing crosswords, eating cookies. Then today, we decided to paint our front door and finish a windowsill. Isn’t that kind of backwards? Shouldn’t we have done the whole door/window thing yesterday and then used today to be bumcakes, as we say?

But I feel like doing more work on a Saturday, after a long week of work (or non-work in my case, which is surprisingly exhausting), is asking a lot. Usually by that time, all I have the energy for is reading a magazine or doing the previous Monday’s crossword (the day they’re the easiest). But Travis, on the other hand, is often freakishly productive on Saturdays. Especially the days he goes duck hunting or flyfishing. He gets up at the awful hour of 3 am, hunts or fishes for 8 or 9 hours, gets home around noon, and then instead of taking a nap like I expect him to, he gets to work cleaning up the garage, putting in windows, vacuuming out cars, and changing the oil. No matter what I’m doing those days, I always feel like a slacker compared to him.

I think I just have a lower level of energy than most people. Sometimes even just thinking about what Travis accomplishes in a day exhausts me and I’m ready for a nap. All I know is that I’m too tired by Friday night to wait for a Sabbath on Sunday. I need time to rest on Saturday.

What about you? Do you use Sunday as a Sabbath, some other day, or do you do something else altogether?

Still recovering.

Last week was quite possibly the longest week of my life. From Sunday to Sunday, I worked 115 hours. Isn’t that ridiculous? I did nothing except eat, sleep and work. And as my last blog post described, I was really looking forward to a break this week.

No such luck.

We are announcing our 2011 race calendar on November 1st and I am supposed to have all of the race logos designed and ready for posting by then – in addition to answering all of the post-race emails from athletes and vendors, creating the 2011 marketing strategy, designing all of the t-shirts and medals, and contracting new timing clients. And that’s just work. I was also greeted by a kitchen piled high with dishes, a laundry basket overflowing with 5 loads of laundry, an empty fridge and a dog needing a trip to the vet.

After getting a good 12 hours of sleep Sunday night, I got up on Monday at 9:30. I spent some time trying to pray but just found myself getting frustrated at the full day I had ahead, instead of the relaxing day I had hoped for. Then I worked for a bit, took Katy to the vet, worked a bit more, and volunteered at the church. Travis called me and said he was coming home from hunting a day early so we ate dinner together and watched a movie.

Tuesday, I jumped out of bed with the ambition to get the house in order. I can only take messiness for so long (and it’s not even really that long). So I gathered all of the laundry and started a load, put away all the other stuff from my suitcase, did the dishes, ate breakfast, cleaned up my office, and answered some emails. Around 12:00 noon, I called it quits and went on my first run in 2 1/2 weeks. I was pleasantly surprised to see that I can indeed still run 5 miles. I’m hoping I can run quite a bit more, considering the half marathon in Malibu is just 2 1/2 weeks away. After my run, I showered and went to the church to volunteer. When I got home, I had a phone date with my friend Brittany, then Travis made dinner, we watched a couple episodes of The Office, and he went to a hockey game while I talked to my mom on the phone. Finally, it was time for bed.

This morning, I spent some time in the Word and then edited the New Members class content I have been working on for the church. I answered some more emails (they just keep coming!), then went to my last physical therapy appointment. In the car on the way there, after feeling frazzled, rushed and stressed ever since getting home, I realized that I just needed a break. I just need to catch up on all the housework and take a breather. Then I can dive in tomorrow.

So I did. I took the afternoon off. After my appointment, I went grocery shopping, finished the laundry, and then read a magazine and watched some Desperate Housewives. I would be taking a nap right now except I am not really physically tired – just emotionally tired. And I wanted to read the blogs I follow, as well as post on mine. In 10 minutes, I’m going to go on a nice little 3-mile run, then shower and go to Care Group for dinner and discussion. I can’t say that I feel quite recharged yet – that will probably take a few weeks. But this afternoon definitely helped.

Time for a break.

I am in serious need of a break. So far this week, I have worked over 45 hours – and it’s only Wednesday!

I knew that this week would be this way so at least I wasn’t surprised. I had planned that I would do nothing except work and sleep. No exercise. No reading. No fun. (Well, I at least had to squeeze in a blog post).

That’s the way my job is – race week is completely nuts. This one even more so, since I took Friday and Saturday off last weekend to go up to elk camp with Travis and his family, days I would normally be working in preparation for this week.

Instead of getting into how much these weeks make me question why I have the job I do, I’m going to talk about all the things I excited to do next week – when I have pretty much the whole week off.

First, I’m going to sleep in as long as I can, linger over the Word with a cup of coffee, read a book as long as it takes me to fall asleep into a nap, cuddle with Katy my dog, and watch movies.

Second, I’m going to get a massage, manicure, and pedicure to rescue my body, feet and hands from all of this crazy manual labor! I’m sure my back is just one big giant ball of tension. I know my right leg has been demanding I quit using it so much since the beginning of August (my IT band and hamstring are ridiculously tight).

Then, I’m going to update my resume, volunteer at the church, write and mail a letter to my Compassion child, roll over my 401(k), finish sewing a coat and swimsuit coverup (not making, just mending!), run at least 4 times (the half marathon is in less than a month!) including an 8-miler, and paint and decorate wooden letters for my office (haven’t decided what word they’ll spell yet). I’m sure there’s more – I’ve been making a list of all the things that pop into my head followed by, “I need to remember to do that.”

It’s amazing how busy I’ve been this summer. I don’t really realize it until I think about all the things I haven’t had time or energy to do. When I read about my friends’ weekend adventures online, I am reminded of how long it’s been since Travis and I just hung out for the heck of it. Heck, how long it’s been since Travis and I hung out period. And then I see the long list of things I need and want to do and I just know – it’s time for a break.

What I’m trying to figure out is how long of a break I need from this job. But that’s better left for another blog post.

Happiness is from God.

Yesterday, I would have had reason for being frustrated. Travis’ mom, dad and brother are out here for elk hunting and I, for the 3rd year in a row, have to miss the majority of their stay because of work. This year, I had to leave on Sunday morning in order to leave for Vegas – we’re putting on our last race of the season, Pumpkinman, this coming Saturday. I am SO ready for this season to be over and to have some time to relax and not feel the temptation to be stressed out.

But yesterday, as we were driving through the mountains on I-70, I couldn’t help but feel joy at the beauty and freshness of the fall day. Granted, it’s still in the 60s, even in the mountains, but it’s about as near fall as Colorado gets at this time of year.

As I felt that joy, that lightness of spirit, that hope in the future and rest in the present, I realized that I had not had that feeling in a VERY long time. And it dawned on me: joy is from the Lord. I do not have joy in this life, I do not have rest, peace, or hope, without Jesus working it in me. I can finally thank the Lord for all the trials and dark nights I have gone through in the past year because I see now that I do not have hope or joy in this life if it isn’t in the Lord.

A similar thing happened to me in my marriage. During our first year, I grew very bitter toward Travis due to a long stretch of misunderstandings and different affection styles. I was often dismayed and broken over my lack of love for Travis. What I had though would be an exciting time of life was really just… HARD. And while I remained committed to Travis and our marriage, I didn’t feel love for him.

Thanks to God and His work in my life, that has changed immensely. I am more in love with Travis now than I was when we got married and I now recognize that the love I feel for him is totally a gift from God. I do not have love in my heart naturally, not in the face of trials, struggles, frustrations and annoyances. Like in the song, Jesus My Only Hope: “Though I am dry and barren, By grace this love springs forth.” But it took me going through that period of dryness, of lovelessness, to recognize that my love for my husband is totally from God.

It’s good for God to redirect my focus like this – from looking into my own heart and wondering why it’s so barren, from looking at my circumstances and wondering why they don’t make me feel blessed, from looking at others who seem so happy and wondering why I can’t be more like them – to HIM. God is my joy. God is my meaning and reason for living. God is my strength. God is my help. God is my planner. God is my life.

I can finally notice the changing colors on the trees and bask in the sunshine and crisp fall air while finding joy in the little things of life because I am trusting God with the bigger things. Like my friend Katie Stromwall said, “He gets glory through our trust.” If I am truly desiring to glorify God with my life, I will trust Him.