Well, it has taken 14 months but I feel like Travis and I have finally gotten into a marriage groove. We understand each other more (but not completely!), have learned what to do and when (and what NOT to do) for the other person, and have adopted our individual chores–Travis, financial and big-picture stuff (like researching vehicles and mortgages); me, cleaning and menial daily stuff (like making lunches in the morning and going grocery shopping).

But more than all that, I feel like I finally appreciate him. When we were dating, our relationship was too exciting for me to appreciate Travis. I didn’t need to appreciate him. I was so head over heels for him that anything he did was good enough (except waiting so long to propose!) But then we got married and after the newness, excitement, and “I’m a wife; now what?” wore off, his idiosyncrasies and little quirks drove me up the wall and seemed so rampant in daily life that I couldn’t focus on anything else. “Who is this man I married?” I thought. Bitterness and annoyance took root in my heart. There were times I couldn’t stand being by Travis. He would try to hug or kiss me and I would push him away saying that “I was in the middle of something” and that the way my personality is makes me hate stopping something right in the middle. Each time I pushed him away, I knew something wasn’t right with me.

One night about every other month, something would happen–either sexual disappointment, an argument, or my stubborn emotions not being what I thought they should be for my husband–and I would break down into deep, heaving sobs for 10-15 minutes. It was always good to have my loving, tender husband there at those moments of need. Those times grew my appreciation of him.

But to my dismay and helplessness, those times of sorrow over our marriage and my emotions toward Travis didn’t change anything. I continued on, liking a emotionless zombie, desiring for my heart to change but feeling like my hands were tied over what to do about it. I read marriage books and articles. I read Bible passages about marriage and Christ’s love for the church. It’d work for a while. But there were so many things about our marriage that I was unsettled about. Where was the romance? Where was the feeling that I was finally with my soul mate, the man chosen for me by God? I did feel like Travis was my best friend, but a little bit too much like a friend. I wanted a passionate marriage filled with sexual chemistry and intellectual foreplay. Instead, our marriage was butt-slapping and wrestling.

I kept thinking about the people I knew who said that marriage was wonderful. They said that they loved their spouses more that day than they did on their wedding day. I couldn’t help wonder about my own affections. I knew I still loved Travis–I was committed to him for life–but why didn’t I FEEL love for him? Why was I so cold-hearted? Why couldn’t I change?

I would love to say that I was faithful in prayer but I wasn’t. I’d pray about it for a few weeks after one of my sobbing episodes and then life and marriage would go back to normal–not bad but not great. But then one day, something changed. I can’t put my finger on it and I can’t even remember what exact day or month it was. But something in my heart changed. I wanted to cry, it felt so wonderful.

I loved Travis–and felt it.

I knew that God had flipped the switch in my heart and I am still so thankful to Him for it. It is a reminder that in my flesh, I don’t naturally love anyone but myself. Only through the power of the Holy Spirit in me do I love my husband–and my Lord.

Since that day a few months ago, things have only gotten better. I don’t get as angry with Travis during fights, I don’t let his little quirks get to me (I just laugh at them now because they’re his quirks), and I have made a concerted effort to kiss and hug Travis slowly and passionately, like my lover, not my buddy. I have also seen the impact of my relationship with the Lord on my relationship with my husband. I can’t expect Travis to fulfill my every need. Jesus alone can satisfy. I have seen the ways I’ve failed and sinned against Travis and felt like I could finally DO something about it. And you know what? It has fanned the flames of our marriage.

The past few weeks of our marriage have felt like a honeymoon. I love seeing him after work, I love kissing and hugging him, and I love sharing my life with him. This is what marriage is supposed to be like. Now I can say with those other married couples that I love Travis more today than I did on our wedding day. Praise be to our faithful Father in heaven!

Speaking of which, our photographer just sent us all our wedding pictures burned onto a CD (he kept the rights for a year but we did get a wedding album in October 2007). Here are a few of my faves:

A sweet kiss

Sophisticated

My favorite picture--so relaxed

Our first dance as husband and wife to "Love of a Lifetime"

The head table with the bridesmaid bouquet

Me and my dad during the Father-Daughter dance

Tearing up the dance floor

The happy couple

“Because your steadfast love is better than ______________, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3

At one women’s meeting in college, we were challenged to fill in that blank with whatever our biggest idol was, the thing we wanted most. At that time, I filled the blank with marriage. That’s what I wanted the most–and the thing I had the hardest time trusting God with.

But now the blank would be filled with a flat stomach. My stomach is my least favorite body part and no matter how in shape I get, how many sit-ups I do, I’m never quite satisfied with it.

Like most Americans who aren’t satisfied with their bodies, I have tried diets and exercise. I have counted calories and analyzed nutrition facts. I have sworn off sugar, cut out pop, ate more protein, ate fewer carbs. And you know, in college I was thin. I look back at pictures and think “Hey, not bad!” But here’s the kicker: I was never satisfied. No matter how much weight I lost and how toned I got, I never got to that elusive point (that I sinfully think is still out there somewhere) where I think “My body is now exactly how I want it.” Even if I did get to that point, one cheeseburger and it’d all be over.

So the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about contentment, God’s glory, and my life. I listened to a great sermon by Tim Keller called Splitness about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Apostle Paul in Romans 7. Keller points out that the commandment that gave Paul the most trouble was the 10th–Thou Shalt Not Covet. This commandment was different than the rest because it dealt with a heart issue and not just behavior. Keller said that the opposite of covetousness is contentment and that if we really had God, if we really understood how loved we were, we would be content.

Then, Travis and I were up hiking near Nederland. And I started thinking about something I read in Comfortable in Your Own Skin: being content with your body is glorifying to God. I had heard John Piper say that the purpose of our possessions is to show how much more precious God is to us than they are. The purpose of my body is to show how much more precious to me God is. It made complete sense: I remind myself to be content without the latest fashions and newest gadgets because God is enough. Being content with my body as it is right now–not because “it’s good enough” but because GOD is good enough–is glorifying to God.

Another thought I had that is weaved into all this is that in Christ, I have been freed from the Law–meaning I am justified on the basis of Christ’s perfection and not my own. Similarly, I have been freed from the law of beauty–being thin. Jesus thinks I’m drop dead gorgeous (to borrow from Greg Stier) because of Christ’s beauty in me. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.

“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Being thin doesn’t compare to experiencing the Father’s steadfast love. His love trumps all.

“All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.”

Everyone has their own interpretation of heaven. Some people think that it’s an endless expanse of sky with white puffy clouds and nothing to do but play harps and eat Philadelphia cream cheese. Others think that heaven doesn’t exist at all. Once you leave earth, there’s nothing. Or maybe they think that heaven is part of earth, like the white sandy beaches of the Cayman Islands. Some people might think heaven is whatever you loved on earth all together in one place, like in the movie What Dreams May Come.

But for Christians, it’s none of those things. Instead, it’s a city where the streets are gold and there are no lamps and no sun; nevertheless, it is always day because the light of the Lamb reaches to all places. It’s the presence of God, intimate and forever. It’s no longer having sinful flesh but rather, gloriously resurrected bodies. It is perfection beyond any human expectation or imagination.

That’s what I have to look forward to. That’s what makes my life here on earth worth living and indeed, worth enduring. Even though my daily troubles seem puny compared to the human suffering I hear and read about–like just tonight, I read about female genital mutilation in countless third world countries–my life wouldn’t be worth living if I didn’t have such an end. I am always confounded by those who don’t believe that anything happens when we die. My roommate in college believed that. What do we have to live for if there is nothing after this life?

Moreover, if the glorious new earth described in the book of Revelations is not true, and if Jesus Christ did not die and rise again for the forgiveness of sins, we who are Christians have nothing to live for either. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15: “…if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins.” Christians–and I believe all people–need something to live for beyond this life. For “…If in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people to be pitied,” because this life is hard and messy.

I have felt that truth about life living out in Colorado. I love my job and the people we’ve met and I’m with my wonderful husband. So I have a lot to be thankful for. But I miss my friends more than anything. Humans were made for community. Not just Christians but humans in general. I believe that God designed us to need each other. So leaving behind my very best friends has been very hard.

I feel at times like Travis and I are going through life alone, just the two of us vs. the Great Big World. It may be because when we became Christians 4 years ago, the first Body of believers we plugged into was a group fully bought into the value of discipleship. We had the importance of one-on-ones and intentional relationships drummed into our heads day after day. And I loved it. I loved being in a discipleship group and meeting once a week with a group of my girlfriends. We talked about boys, bodily functions, random things, and the Bible. We related our insecurities, our longings, our struggles, our joys and successes. I felt so close to those girls, not only because we shared the bond of the Spirit but because they bared their hearts to me and I to them.

But out here, I have not found this. I have met some great women through our church that I am excited to get to know. But it seems that the potential of that deep relationship forming is small when we only get together once every other week and everyone has husbands, kids, and full-time jobs. It looked different as a college student in a campus ministry.

So I have been delighted by the reminder of my real home: heaven. C. S. Lewis writes in his book The Great Divorce, “I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in the ‘High Countries.’” The fellowship I so desire, the bridge over the gap in human intimacy and vulnerability, will be waiting for me in heaven. And more than that, it will be beyond expectation: all believers will be together in perfect union as we worship and adore the Lamb of God forever.

I went over to a friend’s house last night for a “girls’ night.” We watched The Princess Bride, a movie that I have seen way more times than I ever wanted to. So many people love that movie and I, well I just think it’s “okay.”  I’ll watch it willingly and I’m not in pain the whole time but it’s not a movie I would ever choose to watch on my own.

One of the girls who came brought a Chicken Bacon Artichoke pizza from Papa Murphy’s. It is my new favorite pizza. It was soooo amazing! And with bacon on it, you’d think that it would be high in calories. But it only has 181 calories per slice! Even though I’m not a huge fan of bacon, this pizza is fantastic. I will definitely be ordering it again.

When I left my friend’s house to go home, I was really excited to see Travis. But I knew that excitement to see my husband does not equal a good night with him. I can get frustrated, emotional, and annoyed by just about anything. So as I was driving home, I asked the Lord to let me have a good night with him and not get angry.

When I got into our apartment parking lot, I saw that Travis had parked the Pathfinder in our normal parking spot. We signed up for the spot right next to it but there has been this red Chevy Corsica sitting there forever (even though the car owner doesn’t even have a parking spot!). We put a note on the car but then it snowed and was covered up. Plus, I don’t think whoever owns the car uses it often enough to notice changes from day to day. Anyway, since the red car was in our other spot, and the Pathfinder was in our usual spot, I had to park my car about 200 feet away from our apartment door in the spots that aren’t assigned to anyone.

As I walked from my car to our apartment, I wasn’t mad. I was thinking “Maybe Travis was going to move the car before I got back and he just forgot.” When I got inside, I said playfully to Travis, “You made me park far away.” And he said sadly, “Ohhh, I tried calling you to let you know just to park in the spot next to me because no one ever parks there.” “I wasn’t expecting a call so I didn’t check my messages.”

And I was frustrated. A slight cause of it may have been that I felt Travis was saying it was my fault that I parked so far away because I didn’t check my messages. But most of it is just that I’m incredibly selfish and petty. And I don’t feel love for Travis a lot of the time, which burdens my heart with sorrow.

Travis wanted to cuddle but I just wanted my space. I got annoyed when he touched me. So being a nice, understanding guy, he left me alone. I just laid on the bed for a while, not moving. Travis asked me if I wanted to talk. I started talking but the tears started welling up. I broke down and it felt so good to cry on Travis’ shoulder. He just held me and said he loved me, which continues to amaze me since I feel like I deserve no favor from Travis for my often-harsh actions and words toward him. What did I do to deserve such a husband?

And so I see that I am learning to love my husband, and starting to feel love for him again, by being loved when I am not loving…just like our relationship with the Father. He loves us unconditionally, 24/7, when we are most unlovable. And His love moves our hearts to love–”We love because He first loved us.” I know that my Lord is using these trying, confusing circumstances for good and for His glory. I am just beginning to see the rays of light poking through the storm clouds…

Last night, Travis and I were talking about the mystery of two becoming one in marriage. He remarked that, when we got married, we inherited each other’s lives. He inherited my family, hobbies, and credit history and I inherited his. While it is easy to see how our families and hobbies have changed us (I would never go hunting or fishing if I hadn’t fallen in love with a man who does!), the other things are less obvious.

When I was single, I could do anything I wanted because I didn’t really have anyone to answer to. My roommates would never comment on my eating 2 or 3 bowls of cereal in a row. No one cared if I didn’t do laundry for a month at a time or spent hours pampering myself with pedicures and face masks. I could read in bed all day or watch movies all night.

With marriage, that all changed. I see my husband every day: I wake up with him, go to work with him, eat almost every meal with him, hang out with him, and go to bed with him. Granted, our situation may be a little different than some (we just moved to a new state in Sept. ‘07 where we knew no one). But marriage, by and large, involves spending quite a bit of time with that one other person. 

But then, isn’t that the point of marriage? It’s also the most wonderful part about marriage. You marry the person you’re absolutely head-over-heels for because you’ll see them almost every day for the next (God willing) 50 years of your life.  More than feeling completely consumed with love for your spouse (because as any married person knows, that feeling isn’t there 24/7), marriage is about friendship. It’s about two people sharing their lives so intimately and completely that they forget what life was like without the other person. They start knowing what the other person is feeling just by looking at their face. They know instinctively what their spouse’s reaction would be in a certain situation. When I can sense that Travis is joking, despite his best efforts to put on a serious face, I realize that, little by little, we are growing in oneness.

But there are those situations that serve as a jarring reminder that, no matter how one you can become with one another, you are still two very different people. Over time, the differences seem to multiply: differences in opinions, personalities, hobbies, priorities… You can know your spouse’s opinion without even asking and you can still not agree with it. That is where the phrase “Agree to disagree” becomes useful.

At the end of the day, though, I view all the components marriage as purely rewards. There is nothing I would change about my marriage or my husband. Nothing can beat walking through life with your best friend, who is there to listen, understand and support you. The good times show me how I have been blessed by the Lord’s grace. The hard times show me how I have been blessed by the Lord’s mercy (through Jesus Christ).