We just got back to our apartment from our house closing so we are officially homeowners. Everything went without a hitch and my hand didn’t even get sore from signing so many papers.

I was saying to Travis on the way home that it’s weird that all you have to do (pretty much) is sign a bunch of papers and then you own a home. It’s like highschool graduation–somehow the importance of the event is not in proportion to what you do to achieve or celebrate it. But this is a lot more important that highschool graduation. This IS the real world baby!

The best part about the process of buying a house for us was seeing God’s hand in it all. I had prayed for God to let us find the perfect house at the right price in the right timing and we did. Then we had all but postponed buying a house for financial reasons but God provided down payment money for us in the form of my parents.
The sellers accepted our offer, the house appraised, we were approved for our loan, we got all the correct documents, and today was a breeze. If it had not been in the Lord’s will for us to buy a house, it either wouldn’t have happened at all or it wouldn’t have been this easy. When everything falls into place so easily and effortlessly, I know that God is there behind the scenes, flawlessly orchestrating it all according to His sovereign will.

So there you have it. We get the keys to the house at 8:00 AM on July 30th. Until then, it’s Minnesota for 10 days and then lots of packing!!

The Lord gave me a revelation this morning as I was praying on my way to work (I have a 30 min commute). I was expressing my doubt and confusion about how God and the Spirit work inside me to enable me to withstand and endure hard situations and circumstances; how He gives me peace that surpasses understanding; how He enables me to do things that I wouldn’t be able to do myself.

Then I heard Him say, “It’s not about your ability. It’s about the Cross.” I was silent for a few minutes, pondering that thought. It made complete sense. It’s not about me getting strength from God–random strength–to go through tough circumstances. It’s about holding to the Cross, clinging to my hope of salvation and the Truth about God revealed in the Cross: that God loves me and died for me; that He is good and just; that He is willing to do anything for me; and that I am going to heaven no matter what happens in this life.

As I took that thought and applied it to all of the hypothetical situations I had been wrestling with, I saw how clinging to the Cross and the Truth represented therein would really be effective and enabling. I was reminded of a quote from “The Pursuit of God” by A.W. Tozer. It goes something like this (I’m just recalling it from memory so it’s not verbatim): “The man who has long been struggling to fix himself will find that once he turns his gaze from himself to his Savior, everything he has been trying to do to himself will be getting done within him.” I have to keep my gaze fixed on the Cross. I have been trying to fix myself. I have been trying to get God’s power within me so I could fix myself (kind of an oxymoron huh?)

I am so thankful that the Lord revealed this Truth to me. It is very freeing. I have a ways to go before I depend on God and continually look at the Cross for the strength, motivation, and hope I need to live but I’m on my way!!

What is my driving passion in life? Like many questions, the answer is my appearance—body image, weight, exercise. Greg said that it’s easy to do something in the name of Jesus and think that you’re worshipping God through it—but you’re not. I can tell myself that taking care of my body through diet and exercise is glorifying to God—which it is, in theory—but is that really the reason I do it? No, it’s not.

Yesterday, I felt like I had eaten a lot. So last night before dinner, instead of trusting God and believing that I am beautiful to Him regardless of how many calories I eat or what I weigh, I logged on to The Daily Plate and entered everything I had eaten. It came out ok so I was relieved. But a tiny inkling of guilt began to grow in my heart.

 How did I justify logging on when I knew I shouldn’t? I told myself, “It’ll make me feel better when I see that there’s nothing to worry about.” But I knew I was disobeying God. Why? My conscious betrayed me. I was putting my hope and trust in counting calories and in being in control of my own life rather than in God.

Counting calories in itself is not wrong. But the Bible says, “Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” My faith in Jesus does not lead me to count calories. In fact, my greatest desire is to be free from worrying about my body and my weight and to reach a point where I look to God for spiritual, emotional, and mental nourishment and I only look to food for physical nourishment.

Question: So why do I continue obsessing over calories, food, weight, body image, exercise, etc. even when I know that it makes me so miserable? Answer: Because I continue to believe that having the perfect body (according to my own standards, not God’s) will satisfy me.

But the truth is, I will never be satisfied if I’m not satisfied in God—and God ALONE.

Travis and I drove around and looked at houses again today after having a little BBQ and reading session in a park near our apartment. The first 3-4 houses we looked at were “Eh?” or “Ew!” so we weren’t feeling very optimistic about the houses for sale in our price range. But the last 3-4 houses we looked at were more like “You know, given the right touches and help, this house has some potential” and “I could see us living here.” So we headed home with high spirits and high hopes.

So now the action plan is: prayer. Prayer, prayer, and more prayer. Travis and I are really asking a lot with the whole house hunting scenario. We want a nice, well-kept home selling for no more than $200K ($175 would be more like it), with a large yard, porch and/or patio/deck, a 2-car garage, a master bedroom w/master bath, and at least one additional bedroom and bathroom. On our “wouldn’t it be nice” list are: vaulted ceilings, open floor plan, lots of storage, big windows, and only minor tweaks needed (like not needing to overhaul the grody outside color of some houses!! honestly, WHAT were some people thinking?!?!?!?) 

In addition to all those requests, we are having our first day of looking at the insides of houses on June 7th. Hopefully, we’ll get to know what we like and don’t like, see what’s on the market, what goes for what price, etc. Then, according to our plan, we have a 2-week window to find a house we like, put an offer down, have it accepted, and set a closing date at the end of July. Some people spend 2-3 months looking at house (or longer!). We have about 2-3 weeks.

So you can see how we’re asking for a lot…

But God is able and willing to provide. And even when all of life falls into place just how I think it should, God is behind it, orchestrating it all. Even if our house plans don’t fall into place how I “think they should,” God is good and sovereign and has a purpose for everything.

So as we’re driving around looking at houses, and I can feel rising up in me the controlling maniac that wants to run up to the door of a house that I “kinda like” and yell “We’ll take it!”, the same maniac that will throw a fear-based temper tantrum if I see a house I want to put an offer on but Travis doesn’t, I know that I need to ground my heart and trust in the Lord everyday. I need to be a godly woman whose roots are sunk down deep into the truth of the gospel, a woman who doesn’t fear ANYTHING that is frightening (insert John Piper’s voice from his sermon The Beautiful Faith of Fearless Submission).

God will provide. He always does.

I love Saturdays. I love waking up around 9:00 and getting in the Word for at least 45 minutes. This verse caught my eye as I was doing my Bible reading plan today:

“For if the readiness is there, it is acceptable according to what a person has, not according to what he does not have.” (2 Corinthians 8:12)

Paul is talking about financial giving in this passage but goes on to say that our giving shouldn’t cause us to be burdened while others are eased but that we should give out of our present abundance–our “more than enough.”

I think this verse speaks to what a lot of Christians think about giving, myself included. I have a desire to give, not just financially but with my time and energy. I want to be a relief worker for the American Red Cross or the Peace Corps. I want to cook meals for the homeless, be a friend to the forgotten, and giver to the needy.

But something always stops me. I can always find a reason why “now is not a good time.”

Sometimes it’s practicality. Other times it’s scheduling conflicts. Other times it’s not having enough money. Or being scared. Or being indifferent when the excitement of the idea wears off. Or passing the idea off as a impractical ideal–after all, I’m an adult now with bills and a full-time job, right?

But Paul doesn’t make room for excuses in this verse. He says that if we have the readiness and the desire to give, whatever we have at that moment is acceptable, whether it’s a lot or just a little. I don’t have to wait until the day that I am perfectly set up for giving.

Which is a good eye-opener/reminder for me. I keep thinking about the days when I’ll be a stay-at-home mom. THEN I’ll be able to bake cookies as sweet reminders (no pun intended) for friends and people who are struggling. THEN I’ll be able to volunteer at my local homeless shelter or library or wherever I would volunteer at.

But if I keep making excuses now, when I don’t have any kids and am not involved in many activities, will I ever stop making them? Will I ever be “perfectly set up” for giving and volunteering?

I don’t think so. I think there will always be things to get in the way, things I think I should be doing instead, things that make giving or volunteering seem a little bit impractical and unwise.

But God calls us to trust in Him, not to be wise or practical in our own eyes. He calls us to live bold, fearless lives for Christ, whatever that entails. So if I am not stepping out on a limb, not for lack of a limb but for lack of trust, then I am not living my life in faith. I am stagnating, treading water, waiting for a day that may never come.

So now the hard part: how to put this into practice? I am notorious for good insights and no follow-through. I have found that I like philosophizing much more than I like applying. But evangelism and serving others have been on my heart for quite some time now. This gives me a good launch point into some serious reflection–and if the Lord wills (and enables), some action.

Everyone has their own interpretation of heaven. Some people think that it’s an endless expanse of sky with white puffy clouds and nothing to do but play harps and eat Philadelphia cream cheese. Others think that heaven doesn’t exist at all. Once you leave earth, there’s nothing. Or maybe they think that heaven is part of earth, like the white sandy beaches of the Cayman Islands. Some people might think heaven is whatever you loved on earth all together in one place, like in the movie What Dreams May Come.

But for Christians, it’s none of those things. Instead, it’s a city where the streets are gold and there are no lamps and no sun; nevertheless, it is always day because the light of the Lamb reaches to all places. It’s the presence of God, intimate and forever. It’s no longer having sinful flesh but rather, gloriously resurrected bodies. It is perfection beyond any human expectation or imagination.

That’s what I have to look forward to. That’s what makes my life here on earth worth living and indeed, worth enduring. Even though my daily troubles seem puny compared to the human suffering I hear and read about–like just tonight, I read about female genital mutilation in countless third world countries–my life wouldn’t be worth living if I didn’t have such an end. I am always confounded by those who don’t believe that anything happens when we die. My roommate in college believed that. What do we have to live for if there is nothing after this life?

Moreover, if the glorious new earth described in the book of Revelations is not true, and if Jesus Christ did not die and rise again for the forgiveness of sins, we who are Christians have nothing to live for either. As Paul says in 1 Corinthians 15: “…if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile and you are still in your sins.” Christians–and I believe all people–need something to live for beyond this life. For “…If in this life only we have hoped in Christ, we are of all people to be pitied,” because this life is hard and messy.

I have felt that truth about life living out in Colorado. I love my job and the people we’ve met and I’m with my wonderful husband. So I have a lot to be thankful for. But I miss my friends more than anything. Humans were made for community. Not just Christians but humans in general. I believe that God designed us to need each other. So leaving behind my very best friends has been very hard.

I feel at times like Travis and I are going through life alone, just the two of us vs. the Great Big World. It may be because when we became Christians 4 years ago, the first Body of believers we plugged into was a group fully bought into the value of discipleship. We had the importance of one-on-ones and intentional relationships drummed into our heads day after day. And I loved it. I loved being in a discipleship group and meeting once a week with a group of my girlfriends. We talked about boys, bodily functions, random things, and the Bible. We related our insecurities, our longings, our struggles, our joys and successes. I felt so close to those girls, not only because we shared the bond of the Spirit but because they bared their hearts to me and I to them.

But out here, I have not found this. I have met some great women through our church that I am excited to get to know. But it seems that the potential of that deep relationship forming is small when we only get together once every other week and everyone has husbands, kids, and full-time jobs. It looked different as a college student in a campus ministry.

So I have been delighted by the reminder of my real home: heaven. C. S. Lewis writes in his book The Great Divorce, “I believe, to be sure, that any man who reaches Heaven will find that what he abandoned (even in plucking out his right eye) has not been lost: that the kernel of what he was really seeking even in his most depraved wishes will be there, beyond expectation, waiting for him in the ‘High Countries.’” The fellowship I so desire, the bridge over the gap in human intimacy and vulnerability, will be waiting for me in heaven. And more than that, it will be beyond expectation: all believers will be together in perfect union as we worship and adore the Lamb of God forever.

Yesterday I had a meeting with the “big wigs” (so to speak) at my company and a marketing consultant. We were discussing our branding/marketing strategy. My boss seemed a little anxious about the meeting–she just really wanted it to go well.

So I was a little anxious too. I read branding terminology as I ran on the treadmill. We went to the meeting a little early to discuss branding and marketing before the consultant showed up. And the meeting went really well. The consultant was very easygoing and since there were 6 of us there, there wasn’t really a spotlight at all. It was the longest meeting I’ve ever been in–it went from 9:30 am to 2:30 pm. I liked it because it made the day go by really fast.

But the thing that quieted my heart the most was knowing that it wasn’t my preparation or knowledge–or my boss’–that would make the meeting go well. It was God’s sovereignty. I knew I could trust Him with it all. When I was tempted to continue reading my branding glossary at breakfast instead of the Bible, I reminded myself of that truth and got in the Word instead of relying on myself and my own efforts.

As I sat there not knowing what to read and feeling anxious against my will about the meeting ahead of me (as well as the other work I had on my plate), a verse popped into my head about anxiety. 1 Peter 5:6-7– “Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him because he cares for you.”

As I read that, I realized that my anxiety over the coming day was a form of pride. I was assuming that I knew how the day should go and that my worrying and thinking about it would aid in it going that way. This verse shows the correlation between humility and prayer. So often, I don’t bring my anxieties before the Lord. I do remind myself of truth but because I don’t cast my anxieties on the Lord, I still retain control over the situation. I don’t have to acknowledge my dependence on Him. I don’t have to humble myself before the Lord.

But I see in 1 Peter 5 that one of the ways I humble myself before God is bringing my cares and anxieties before Him, committing them into His hand, entrusting the outcomes to His gracious and sovereign will. And not just in theory or in thought but in action and in words. Prayer comes out of a humble heart. And a humble heart naturally moves to prayer. Because when we are willing to recognize and acknowledge our own insufficiencies and weaknesses next to God’s sufficiencies and strengths, we are not only humbled, we are also moved to prayer.