Archive for diet
Food.
It’s a powerful thing, isn’t it? It’s the thing that keeps us alive…but when we eat too much, it kills us (albeit indirectly). The stereotypical modern American lifestyle revolves around it. Every occasion is an occasion to eat. And eat, we do.
I have a hard time with food. Mostly because I have a hard time with my body image. I exercise and eat right for the health benefits, yes. But I would lying if I didn’t say that 95% of the reason I do those things is because I want to look a certain way.
That may come as a surprise to some since I’ve been fairly thin my whole life. Growing up, I had a fast metabolism and never worried about what I ate or how much. I just ate whatever I wanted. If I wanted a doughnut, I ate a doughnut. If I wanted a chocolate milk and PB&J on a bagel for lunch every day for months, I ate it. I was free from worry about food.
I envy those days. I want them back. My life now is consuming with thinking about food. Make sure I eat a certain number of calories, consume enough protein, don’t eat refined carbs, stay away from fried foods, and on and on and on.
All self-imposed rules, might I add.
This issue is coming to the forefront now because I have been counting calories for the past 3 months. Counting calories was something I had steered clear of for several years after becoming a Christian because I felt like I couldn’t do it without my body and weight becoming idols. I even blogged about this very thing a little less than a year ago.
But somehow, this time I was able to convince myself that monitoring my calorie intake with a microscope was ok, that in fact, I was taking better care of my body by making sure I didn’t eat more calories than my body really needed. And I was making sure that I consumed enough protein (something my diet legitimately lacks, since I am not a meat lover).
No matter how long I think about it or in what way I think about it, I can’t come up with a God-glorifying justification that I actually believe. I just don’t buy it. For me, this can’t be glorifying to God. How can it be? I’m living trapped in this fear of overeating and gaining weight. Other Christians may be able to diligently diet in faith. I am not one of them.
It’s sadly a truth I’ve known all along and tried to deny. I didn’t want that to be the truth because that meant I wasn’t glorifying God. Which meant that I shouldn’t be dieting. Which meant that I would gain weight. And that would be the most horrible thing in the world (I am being facetious).
So after a few days of uncontrolled eating (and way too many sweets), I’ve admitted that not only is calorie counting not working (because it makes me feel either constantly deprived or anxious about eating), it’s wasting my life. The physical body I live in right now is not immortal. I won’t have this body in eternity. I will have a new body, a perfect body. A body that will no longer be my idol. Just think of all the prayers I could say or verses I could memorize if I channeled my obsessive energies there!
I admit that giving dieting up scares me. It is the area of my life that I control. If I count my calories, I get to decide how much I weigh and what my body looks like. If I let go and trust my body and God for natural cues, He gets to decide it. What if He decides to make me fat?!? is the thought that immediately runs through my mind.
FYI, I know that thought is stupid.
But it’s my fear that helps me see that not only does faith apply to this situation, it is necessary for success. I can’t conquer this alone. I need the Lord to help me. I need to trust that:
1) He cares deeply about even this vain little trial. “I came that you may have life and have it abundantly,” Jesus said.
2) He has equipped and will sustain me with everything I need to live a life that is glorifying to Him, weight issues included.
3) He will continue to love me unconditionally and perfectly through it all, even when I fail, sin and pity myself.
4) His definition of beauty is the one that matters and is valid. The world’s definition does not and is not.
5) I am fearfully and wonderfully made. That means that not only am I beautiful the way I am (because I reflect Christ in me) but my body is an amazing thing that baffles even the smartest scientists. It is an intelligent work of art and I need to respect it…by trusting it to know what it needs instead of using external cues to determine that.
I am re-reading the book Intuitive Eating. I liked the book when I read it before but I realize now that I was trapped in what they call the “One Last Diet” mentality, thinking that if I did just one more diet, I would finally reach the point where I was satisfied with my body and once I got there, I could then figure it all out.
Well, I still haven’t gotten there so I’m re-reading the book. I’m taking it seriously this time and fighting the urge to count calories. I am done with that!! (Feel free to ask me anytime if I stuck to that!) No more diets for me. This book isn’t necessarily biblical but it’s all about listening to your body, respecting it, and taking care of it–a lifestyle that I feel would honor and glorify God more than dieting does.
So there you have it. I plan to blog about how things are going. I’m sure that there will other random crap thrown in along with it but hopefully, this “journey” will benefit others as well.
One Month…
until I’ll be sitting on a beach in Mexico with a Kahlua Mudslide in my hand, the sun on my face, and the sand beneath my feet.
Since yesterday marks a month until our vacation, I thought I would give an update on my goals for 2009 and the deal Travis and I have to not eat sweets, except on Sundays.
First, I’ve been doing pretty good with my goals. I haven’t met them all every week (I have ended up missing a day in the Word here and there) but I have met almost all of them most weeks.
Spiritually, I have been memorizing one verse each week, listening to a sermon (besides the one in church on Sunday) every week, and studying my Bible every day.
Physically, I have been exercising 5-7 days a week, though I haven’t strictly adhered to the schedule of what I would do each day. As much as I try to coax my personality into being planned and predictable, it’s just not me. I fly by the seat of my pants, exercise included. So I have been mixing it up between step aerobics (after taking a 2-week hiatus because of the nice weather more given to running), running outside, elliptical intervals, and 30 Day Shred with Jillian Michaels (a killer workout if I do say so myself!)
My eating has been pretty good. I do really well during the week because I have the structure of work hours and I bring all my food to work so I can’t eat more food by just walking into the kitchen. As such, weekends are a little more sketchy. I tend to overeat carbs when I’m tired and lazy, which frequently happens on the weekends (cereal being the most frequent victim).
This past weekend, Valentine’s Day and then our V-Day dinner last night (which was delicious and wonderful, BTW!) should have made out for a huge calorie blowout but I actually planned out my meals, controlled my hunger and kept active. So it was a lot better than it could have been.
Though I have still been counting calories every day in preparation for Mexico, I really want to go back to Intuitive Eating after the vacation. I’m sick of worrying about the calories in every single bit of food and staying under a certain limit. But I will say that it has helped me get an understanding of how much food I need each day, what portion sizes look like, and how much easier it is to eat 500 calories than it is to burn it off through exercise (or even to just cut it out of your diet!).
As far as our little n0-sweets deal, it has been going surprisingly well. There are those stressful days when we both long for chocolate (me) or a Mountain Dew pick-me-up (Travis). But I’d say we have stuck to the plan about 95%. Travis caved and had a pop a few weeks ago and then had some Girl Scout cookies today. I have had a few caramel lattes and frappucinos from Starbuck’s (though they were all skinny ones with no whip!)
In a way, I actually like having this deal going because then I have an excuse to say no when people offer me cookies and cake and candy at work. It’s a strange phenomenon that ladies on The Nest’s Health and Fitness board have observed: eating is a social thing. By turning down someone’s brownies, they somehow feel that you are turning them down as people. Like if you don’t want their chocolatey, gooey goodness, you don’t want to be their friend either.
I noticed this at my last job back in Minnesota. Every Monday, in order to encourage their employees to come to work on time (and let’s face it, come to work period), they would cater in donuts and bagels. Well, donuts pretty much have negative nutritional value and bagels are 300-400 calories of refined carbs that leave you hungry an hour later so needless to say, I always ate my breakfast at home.
Maybe it was their goodwill but I swear, because I was one of very few people who remained at their desk instead of racing to the door the minute the donuts were delivered, people went out of their way to make sure I knew the donuts had been delivered.
“Kathy, there are donuts in the kitchen.”
“Uh huh, thanks!”
“Kathy, did you know that the donuts are here?”
“Yep, thanks! I just don’t want one.”
“Kathy, did you get a donut? There aren’t many left in there!”
“No I didn’t get one but really, I’m O-K.”
Dare 2 Share is not immune to this…but then, I don’t know if any American corporate workplace is.
Anyway, I feel like because I have this deal with Travis, I finally have an acceptable excuse to not indulge every whim that comes along. Because wanting to be healthy and not each tons of extra empty calories is a silly thing for a girl like me to do, right?
Well, this post that was supposed to be short has turned into a post that is accidentally long. So I’m going to go to bed now!
Chocolate Sunday
After gorging ourselves silly on cookies, cakes, bars, and fudge over the Christmas holiday, Travis and I decided to limit our sweets intake to one day a week–Sunday. The first week was rough. I craved chocolate, candy, and ice cream just about every waking moment (but thankfully, I did not dream about it). The 2nd week was better. Last week was no problem. I can handle this no-sweets-until-Sunday thing.
That is, until Sunday. I tried to tell myself that just because I was allowed to eat chocolate, didn’t mean I had to.
I didn’t listen.
I blame Saturday. It got me on the wrong track. For some strange reason, I was absolutely starving on Saturday. I had eaten 1,000 calories well before noon. Finally, we got out of the house and went ice skating on a frozen lake up in Evergreen, CO. I am surprisingly a very good ice skater, considering I’ve ice skated probably 3 times in the past 4 years. Travis and I hit the hockey puck around for about an hour and then my toes had frozen so we left.
We had dinner at One World Cafe, on Charlie’s recommendation (Trav’s boss). I had a glass of Riesling on a how-in-the-world-could-it-possibly-be-empty-considering-all-the-food-you’ve-eaten-today stomach–meaning it gave me a little buzz. So after dinner, we mosied next door to Cactus Jack’s, a bar full of rough middle-aged mountain folk and a handful of no-good college students. I had 2 vodka cranberries and a basket of fries while Travis shot antelope and zebras on Big Buck Hunter. After about 30 minutes, Trav’s boss, Charlie, and his wife, Karen, showed up so we hung out with them for a while.
If you haven’t guessed, that basket of fries was totally uncalled for. And 1 glass of wine + 2 vodka cranberries is more than enough booze to get me slightly drunk (I am a total lightweight). So I woke up Sunday morning swearing off hard liquor (darn vodka!) and greasy foods.
Oh, but my delicious chocolate was conveniently exempt from those 2 categories.
After a sensible breakfast of Cherrios with a sliced banana and 1% milk (and possibly a coffee topped with about 4 inches of fat-free Cool whip), we went to church. After church, we went to Walmart, where I proceeded to buy my absolute favorite Easter candy: a Reese’s peanut butter egg. They are delicious. I decided to share the egg with Travis so that I wouldn’t feel SO guilty about eating the 180-cal egg-shaped bundle of chocolatey, peanut buttery goodness. There was one little chunk left and I was going to let Travis have it. At the same moment that I held it out to him, he grabbed the gum out of his mouth and flung it in my direction into a garbage can…
…effectively hitting my hand so that the Reese’s chunk flew up into the air and then down onto the Walmart parking lot.
I stood there making a pouty face for about 30 seconds before I deftly picked the chunk up and popped it into my mouth. Hey–I wasn’t about to let it go to waste!
Travis later told me that when he saw me do that, he realized how desperate I was for chocolate and knew that there was no hope for me.
I finished what I started by eating a minty chocolate layered bar, a chocolate-covered peanut butter ball, and 2 heaping bowls of Moose Tracks ice cream.
It was a quite a feat, I tell ya. I mean, not everyone can eat an entire day’s worth of calories in CHOCOLATE (although I’m willing to bet that any female could!)
It makes me wonder if I’m really benefitting from this whole sweets-only-on-Sundays plan or if it’s just turning me into a chocolate craving maniac? I guess we’ll find out next Sunday… 
Back home.
Well, we made it back to Colorado. Our drive back was uneventful, thank God. We left Rochester around 9:15 AM and drove into our driveway in Wheat Ridge around 9:55 PM. Not bad.
I always feel weird saying we’re “back home” because in my mind, it’s an enigma. I feel like Minnesota is home. When people asked me about my plans for Christmas, I always said “We’re going back home to Minnesota.” But then, when we drive back to Colorado, we’re coming back to the place we live 50 weeks out of the year. We own a house here. We have jobs here. Our church is here. We have good friends here. It has definitely become more familiar and comfortable to live out here but I don’t know if it necessarily feels like home…or if it ever will feel that way.
Anyway, for our last few days in MN, Travis and I hung out with my family in Rochester, where I grew up. I hadn’t been back in about a year and a half, on account of Travis’ cat allergy (last year’s Thanksgiving and Christmas were celebrated at my parents’ cabin in Pine City, MN). But this year was supposed to be different. Travis had gotten acupuncture treatment for his cat allergy and the doctor had proclaimed at his last checkup that Travis was cured. Well, he wasn’t. His allergy is still there. It may be slightly weaker but nonetheless, we were forced to retreat to the Extended Stay America instead of the nice, cozy, queen bed downstairs.
Friday night, after Travis and I arrived in Rochester, my whole family (minus Jeremy and Jen, who couldn’t come up because of Jen’s new job) ate dinner and watched Wall-E. I think that is such a cute movie. Wall-E has cute, little puppy dog eyes. Waaaaaalllllleeeee!!!
Saturday, we had breakfast around 9:30, then opened presents (I got a new 4.5 quart saucepan!), and then went to see Seven Pounds at the theater. That was a good movie. It was all I could do to not break down sobbing at the end. So sad. Travis and I were talking about it later…the movie really illustrates humanity’s desire (and need) for a Savior. [Warning: spoiler.] Tim (Will Smith) gives his life, organs, and house to help 7 people as a way to repay the 7 deaths he caused (including that of his fiancee) in a car accident. At once, his ultimate decision seems both selfless and selfish. Selfless because he’s voluntarily giving up his possessions and even his life to help random people (who he has proven are “worthy” because they are “good people”). Selfish because the decisions are motivated by his own personal guilt. He gives his life to save 7 others’–but only after he first destroyed 7 in the first place.
It’s a wonderful, heart-wrenching story, really. But it made me think about how much more amazing the true gospel is. Jesus didn’t do anything wrong. There was absolutely no reason why He should even think twice about dying for us to have life. And yet, He did. Moreover, Jesus didn’t prove that we were essentially good people. In fact, we’re the very opposite of good. We’re depraved. We’re children of wrath. We can’t do and don’t do anything right or good on our own merits. Like it says in Isaiah 64, our good deeds are like filthy rags to God. But still, Jesus died for us. He died that we may have life. And while for Emily (Rosario Dawson) in Seven Pounds, the gift of life meant not being able to spend that life with her love, Tim, we in Christ not only have life but life with Christ. He is risen and alive. That was the purpose of His death and resurrection: so that we could be with Him in heaven forever.
Anyway, I would definitely recommend seeing that movie. After the movie, we dropped Travis off at the hotel so that he could rest in a cat-free environment and the rest of us went to the house and played Chickenfoot with dominoes–a very fun game might I add (especially with my family, who gets all riled up when someone thwarts their strategy). Then we picked Travis back up and drove to Mantorville to eat dinner at the historic Hubbell House. Very cool. I love seeing pictures and reading about people who lived hundreds of years ago. Ulysses S. Grant and Charles Mayo are 2 of the many famous people who have eaten there. But if you ever go there, though, don’t get a salad. They’re nothing to talk about.
Sunday morning, after a quick breakfast at Panera with the fam, Travis and I started the long journey back to Colorado. And so ended our Christmas Vacation. It went by so fast and it was felt very different not spending Christmas Eve with my family, doing our traditions of fondue, present opening, and the candlelight service at our church. But alas, getting older means letting go of things you used to do and people you used to see. Life moves on.
I would be sad that our vacation is over and that we’re back in Colorado without our families if it weren’t for our upcoming trip to Puerto Vallarta in March. My parents’ Christmas presents to all of us kids (and signficant others) was a weeklong stay at the all-inclusive Vallarta Palace. We just have to pay for our own airfare, which Travis and I did yesterday. We were able to find tickets for about $500 a person out of Denver, which is a lot better than flying out of Minneapolis–tickets out of there are more like $700 a piece! Yowsa! My parents, 3 brothers, and their wives/girlfriend are all going, as well as my uncle, aunt, and their 3 sons. A big, fun-loving group! I can hardly wait.
Our upcoming Mexico vacation and the overabundance (and overconsumption!) of Christmas cookies and sugary treats have led Travis and I to a sort of detox plan: we can’t eat sweets (chocolate, ice cream, donuts, candy, cake, bars, etc) or drink soda until we are sitting on the beach in Mexico, with a waiter asking us what kind of free alcoholic beverage we would like to sip while watching the dolphins swim through silver hoops. If you remember, I have been trying to limit my sweets intake for the past several months but to no avail. Finally, Travis has agreed to do it with me (and in fact, it was his idea!) so I think this time it will work. I can let myself down, but I can’t let Travis down. We’re also going to keep each other accountable for exercising at least 3 times a week (I’m shooting for 6 days a week but realize that may not always be possible). Travis also wants to learn about portion sizes so that he knows how much he is eating (I can tell you right now that he eats about 3 servings of cereal for breakfast and about 2.5 servings of pasta when we have it for dinner).
Here’s to a healthy 2009 and 2 Mexico-ready bodies by March 15th!!! Wish us luck!
To blog or not to blog?
I am going to warn you now that this post could be scattered and random, since I have quite a few thoughts in my head and they are not all completely related… Also, I am using my laptop to type this and for some reason, it thinks that I want to search for something on the web page every time I want to insert an apostrophe. So I will not be using many contractions, even thought it makes me sound kinda stuffy.
I started my blog back in January because I love to write. I double-majored in Journalism and Spanish in college so pretty much all I did in college was write. I learned that to really hone your writing skills and produce any work worth reading, you need to constantly practice. Writers need to force themselves to write, even if it is one of those days that putting words on paper seems like pulling teeth.
Well, with a full-time job to work, a house to clean and manage, church activities to attend, and House episodes to watch, I do not have much time to write. I am toying with the idea of working 4 10-hour days (my work changed the HR policy for hourly employees to allow them to do that). I could use that day off to write and volunteer at a pregnancy center. But with my old boss leaving and a lot of stuff going on right now at work, it does not seem like I am going to be approved for that work situation anytime soon.
All that to say, I started a blog so that I would have some outlet to write, with some chance that other people would see and read it besides me. I had also planned to post my memoir on my blog pages. That has not really happened yet…
When I first started my blog, no one but my husband knew about it (but he did not even read it–and still does not!!) I used to frequent the Nest message boards a lot (not anymore) and put a link to my blog in my board signature, as well as my email signature. So people found and read my blog that way. But I did not physically tell anyone that I had a blog.
I have recently discovered that I am not the only person who did not tell anyone about their blog. The reasons for not doing so are different for each person. For my blogger friend Leah, she did not tell anyone because she wanted to maintain face-to-face communication. For my real-life friend (and I just discovered, also blogger) Katie, she was afraid to tell anyone because of what they would think about what she REALLY thinks. For me, I just could not figure out a way to tell people I knew about my blog without feeling like I was saying “Check me out! I am sooooo awesome!”
I never had the intention that my blog would be the blow-by-blow of my life (some people have blogs like that, that is their prerogative). Instead, I wanted to muse on the random NESS of life and the different things I was learning about God. And I think (and hope!) that for the most part, my blog has not been a bunch of fluff and description about what I actually DO every day, but rather deep (or at least deepER) thoughts about life, love, and God.
So this morning, when I was thinking about where I have been lately with the whole eating/exercise thing, I thought about blogging about it. But then, I was scared about my friends back in Minnesota reading about it. Because for some reason, I have always felt the need to keep secret my struggle with body image, eating, exercise, etc. I do know that I have talked about it with a few girls (and I talk about it with Travis, who tries to understand as well as he can as a guy) but by and large, I keep it to myself.
There are quite a few people at my work, men and women both, who openly and frequently talk about their efforts to be healthier, lose weight, exercise, train for an event, etc. It seems strange to me that it is like that, since I am so the opposite. Maybe I feel that way because I have been told so many times before when I even mention something of trying to lose weight/tone/eat better “You do NOT need to lose weight!! You are already skinny!” Or maybe it is because I feel like I struggle to make it not an idol, rather than, like other people, struggle to make it even remotely a priority. Whatever the reason is, I never chime in on what I am currently doing to “maintain my physique” because I would just feel exposed.
As I had all those thoughts, I realized that my intention for blogging had slowly been morphing without my knowledge or consent. I read somewhere online, when researching a better blog name (which I finally came up with!), that you can’t write anything without thinking about a certain audience. (Side note: I just discovered that my apostrophe button has now decided it will work and give me an apostrophe! YAY!! ””””’ Look at all those!) I have been tempted to filter what I blog about according to my audience. That defeats the whole point of my blog!!
So, in the name of not filtering my blog, I will write about what I’m tempted to not write about: my struggle with eating/exercise/body image.
I will first of qualify this by saying that I know that I’m not fat. I would like to lose a few pounds but I’m sure the majority of women fall into that category with me.
My biggest struggle lately has been eating horribly. My parents were out here for a weekend and then Travis parents just left yesterday after being out here for a whole week. For some inexplicable reason, I eat like a horse around my family. Thanksgiving and Christmas last year were anomalies in my holiday eating habits (in that I didn’t eat like a pig). I know that a lot of people struggle with eating around the holidays–but me, I just struggle with eating around my family. (Doesn’t help either that the exercise is pretty much non-existent when I’m around them).
When I eat horribly, I get bloated and feel gross. So I wear baggy clothes, which makes it easy for me to continue to eat horribly. And when I already feel gross, I feel like “Well, why not eat another bowl of ice cream?”
I envy those people who are even-keeled, who eat the same way all the time, who respect their internal fullness mechanism and stop when they don’t need anymore. I tend to be more of an emotional and spastic eater. I will eat a huge dessert when I’m already stuffed to the gills because I want dessert. I will eat ice cream, chocolate, and sweets even when I’ve decided not to (anyone who has read my blog consistently knows that!) because I have this puny little willpower. I eat when I’m bored or especially when I’m tired. I love cereal so much that I’m tempted (but lately have refrained from) eating 2 big bowls for breakfast.
I don’t really struggle a whole ton with the exercise part. I really do enjoy exercising (except for when I’m in a funk…then doing anything but lie on the couch seems like an extraordinary amount of effort). I have been going to aerobics classes at the Wheat Ridge Rec Center. I love them. They are challenging (exertion-wise AND routine-wise) but fun, the time goes really fast, and I push myself more than I would if I were by myself. I just need to get my eating under control.
Back in Sept, I had written a post about imposing a no-sweet rule on myself for the rest of Sept. Well, if you couldn’t tell, that didn’t really happen. After a week-long gaffe, I got back on track…for a while. But the end of Sept and early Oct have been pretty pathetic. But last night, I decided that I was sick of feeling nasty. I know that it affects the way I feel about myself and it affects my marriage (when you don’t feel sexy, it’s hard to act like you do!!) And I know that God doesn’t want me to beat myself up all the time over the way I look–He doesn’t want me to disrespect or abuse my body either, through under-training and overeating, or even the reverse.
There have been periods of time when I felt very in control (in a good way!!) of myself–what and how much I ate, how much I exercised, etc. I felt great being in control–but it’s the time when I drive myself into the ground and get discouraged that seem to be the hardest to get out of. I don’t want diet and exercise to rule my life–I want it to be a natural part of it. I don’t want to throw caution to the wind but I don’t want to be a Nazi about it either. Only the Lord can help me find the happy medium–because I can’t do anything loving for a body that I hate. I need to believe that I am beautiful the way I am but that God has called me to something better–He has called me to ENJOY the body that I have been given. I know that I enjoy my body the most when I take the best care of it–by feeding it healthy foods and moving it through exercise.
I also have been researching ways to prevent breast cancer, osteoporosis and heart disease–very real threats to women. I want to live long and be able to move around a lot when I’m older. So that is also motivation for being healthy now.
I guess my motivations for staying healthy are morphing as I get older and grow in my Christian walk. I keep hoping for the day when I wake up and I no longer struggle with wanting to be thinner. It hasn’t come yet. So I guess I will have to just keep on moving forward in faith, asking the Lord to free me from this idol and struggle, and give me life in His ways.
There! I blogged about it. I don’t feel better–it’s still a nasty struggle–but i don’t feel worse either. Because I know other women have this struggle. And if you have any advice or tips, I’d love to hear them!
More reflections on contentment
Since I’m on the subject, why not a few more thoughts?
My boss, Carol Ann, reads from The Message translation. I’ve enjoyed it–it’s like reading a fun book, only it’s the Bible–and think I’m going to buy that version as a complement to my ESV Bible.
I read through Philippians today on my lunch break and while many verses stood out to me, I thought these applied to what I’ve been blogging about recently.
“Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse.” Philippians 3:8-9
What to do from this verse: Meditate on the beautiful, not the ugly. Dwell on all the things I love about my appearance–my eyes, legs, back–and all the things my body can do–run, hike, bike, play tennis, give hugs, cuddle. Think positive thoughts and your attitude will be positive.
Along those lines, another verse I loved was “Celebrate God all day, every day.” Wow, that is a powerful thought!
“I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am.” Philippians 3:11-13.
Whatever I have…I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. I can make it through not having what I think I should have. I can be content whatever my circumstances–even if I lose a leg and can never exercise again. Even if I develop a thyroid problem and gain 50 pounds. Even if I’m in a car accident and 90% of my body gets burned but I live.
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will an end to this trouble but until that day comes
Still I will praise You, Still I will praise You
Further reflections on contentment in God
What is my driving passion in life? Like many questions, the answer is my appearance—body image, weight, exercise. Greg said that it’s easy to do something in the name of Jesus and think that you’re worshipping God through it—but you’re not. I can tell myself that taking care of my body through diet and exercise is glorifying to God—which it is, in theory—but is that really the reason I do it? No, it’s not.
Yesterday, I felt like I had eaten a lot. So last night before dinner, instead of trusting God and believing that I am beautiful to Him regardless of how many calories I eat or what I weigh, I logged on to The Daily Plate and entered everything I had eaten. It came out ok so I was relieved. But a tiny inkling of guilt began to grow in my heart.
How did I justify logging on when I knew I shouldn’t? I told myself, “It’ll make me feel better when I see that there’s nothing to worry about.” But I knew I was disobeying God. Why? My conscious betrayed me. I was putting my hope and trust in counting calories and in being in control of my own life rather than in God.
Counting calories in itself is not wrong. But the Bible says, “Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.” My faith in Jesus does not lead me to count calories. In fact, my greatest desire is to be free from worrying about my body and my weight and to reach a point where I look to God for spiritual, emotional, and mental nourishment and I only look to food for physical nourishment.
Question: So why do I continue obsessing over calories, food, weight, body image, exercise, etc. even when I know that it makes me so miserable? Answer: Because I continue to believe that having the perfect body (according to my own standards, not God’s) will satisfy me.
But the truth is, I will never be satisfied if I’m not satisfied in God—and God ALONE.
Bodily contentment
“Because your steadfast love is better than ______________, my lips will praise you.” Psalm 63:3
At one women’s meeting in college, we were challenged to fill in that blank with whatever our biggest idol was, the thing we wanted most. At that time, I filled the blank with marriage. That’s what I wanted the most–and the thing I had the hardest time trusting God with.
But now the blank would be filled with a flat stomach. My stomach is my least favorite body part and no matter how in shape I get, how many sit-ups I do, I’m never quite satisfied with it.
Like most Americans who aren’t satisfied with their bodies, I have tried diets and exercise. I have counted calories and analyzed nutrition facts. I have sworn off sugar, cut out pop, ate more protein, ate fewer carbs. And you know, in college I was thin. I look back at pictures and think “Hey, not bad!” But here’s the kicker: I was never satisfied. No matter how much weight I lost and how toned I got, I never got to that elusive point (that I sinfully think is still out there somewhere) where I think “My body is now exactly how I want it.” Even if I did get to that point, one cheeseburger and it’d all be over.
So the past couple of days, I’ve been thinking about contentment, God’s glory, and my life. I listened to a great sermon by Tim Keller called Splitness about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and the Apostle Paul in Romans 7. Keller points out that the commandment that gave Paul the most trouble was the 10th–Thou Shalt Not Covet. This commandment was different than the rest because it dealt with a heart issue and not just behavior. Keller said that the opposite of covetousness is contentment and that if we really had God, if we really understood how loved we were, we would be content.
Then, Travis and I were up hiking near Nederland. And I started thinking about something I read in Comfortable in Your Own Skin: being content with your body is glorifying to God. I had heard John Piper say that the purpose of our possessions is to show how much more precious God is to us than they are. The purpose of my body is to show how much more precious to me God is. It made complete sense: I remind myself to be content without the latest fashions and newest gadgets because God is enough. Being content with my body as it is right now–not because “it’s good enough” but because GOD is good enough–is glorifying to God.
Another thought I had that is weaved into all this is that in Christ, I have been freed from the Law–meaning I am justified on the basis of Christ’s perfection and not my own. Similarly, I have been freed from the law of beauty–being thin. Jesus thinks I’m drop dead gorgeous (to borrow from Greg Stier) because of Christ’s beauty in me. He is perfect so I don’t have to be.
“Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you.” Being thin doesn’t compare to experiencing the Father’s steadfast love. His love trumps all.
“All of You is more than enough for all of me, for every thirst and every need. You satisfy me with your love, and all I have in You is more than enough.”
Dethroning my idol of thinness
My mom mailed me a couple new books this past weekend. I’ve already almost finished one. It was about making peace with your body image from a Christian perspective. It was good. It’s main premise is that once you understand who you are–God’s beloved child, chosen before the foundation of the world and redeemed by Christ on the cross–you will be able to embrace and respect your body as a gift from God. That respect will in turn enable you to care for your body through eating right and exercising instead of punishing and starving it.
It made me realize that Christ died to free me from the world and its unrealistic expectations. Romans 12:2 says “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Only by the transformation of my mind through the power of the Gospel will I be able to discover what is good, acceptable, and perfect. It’s not chiseled abs, a small waist, the latest fashions. For a godly woman, it is “the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious” (1 Peter 3:4). The key to accepting my body and respecting it is seeing myself the way God sees me and letting His opinion be the only one that matters.
I am also reading another book that isn’t Christian but I think it will also help me stop obsessing about food, weight, and body image. It’s called Intuitive Eating. The authors pretty much say that by listening to your body’s hunger cues (not bingeing or starving but feeding it when it’s hungry and stopping when it’s full) your body will reach its natural equilibrium. And the best part–you can still eat all your favorite foods!
I have been “practicing” intuitive eating since last fall–except for my month-long detour into calorie counting. It is an amazing feeling to eat dinner, enjoy it, and yet not eat so much that you feel like all you can do afterwards is go lie down. Like last night, after dinner (tacos), I cleaned our apartment. I literally put my dishes in the sink and grabbed the vaccuum. After being a frequent overeater for many years, being able to do this feels great.
I still have a ways to go. I still sometimes tally calories in my head, steer clear of certain ”bad” foods, or feel guilty if I eat a decadent dessert. I want to get to a place where eating what my body needs and stopping when I’m full is second-nature and I don’t even have to think about it. I don’t want to obsess about my weight and food for the rest of my life. So much wasted energy!!
Last night, as I was praying, I asked God to help change my mentality regarding weight and food. I asked Him to make me thankful for all the things that my body can do (like run a half marathon!) and to believe that I am perfect in His eyes–He personally sewed me together in my mother’s womb and hand-chose everything about me. I know that I need His help to change and to stop worshipping the idol of thinness. I’m excited to see His faithfulness at work!
Clean eating
Since the half marathon is over, I don’t really have an excuse to eat bigger portions and more food like I did when I was training. (I did though have my celebratory high-cal high-fat meal at BWW–boneless wings with french fries–DELISH!) So it’s time to tighten up my eating habits.
I already eat pretty healthy. I research nutrition content before going out to eat at restaurants. I stay away from fried foods almost completely and I have a general knowledge of calories for most foods. I have though almost completely stopped counting calories and focused on intuitive eating.
But there are a few things in my diet that should be limited–like all the chocolate, candy, and ice cream I eat. I’m going to back to the strategy I used this past fall to lose 10 lbs–no sugar for 6 days out of the week. One cheat day when I can eat ice cream and chocolate. Because I could never give those up!!
I am also going to cut out all the unhealthy processed foods I eat (except for on that one cheat day)–things like chips, soda, sugary cereals, white pasta, white rice, salad dressings, etc. The Eat Clean Diet has you eat a lot of veggies, fruit, lean meat, whole grains, and lowfat dairy.
So this isn’t really a diet. It’s more like spring cleaning my eating habits. So we’ll see how it goes! I already had to say no to a peanut butter cup from the Mountain Man. 
