This weekend was a hard one for me. I think I cried every day. I’m just having such a hard time in our marriage right now, not because Travis is mean or insensitive or distant. Rather, it’s because I am.
I’m just so discouraged. I get mad at Travis over nothing quite often. So he’s gotten to the point (and I can’t blame him) of always assuming that if I’m mad, I’m mad at him. So if I say something remotely stern or terse, even if I’m not really mad, he thinks that I am mad and reacts. He acknowledges his sinfulness but I can’t help but see that about 90% of our fights are caused by me. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like a b$#%@. I feel like I fly off the handle at any little thing and not just when I’m PMSing. I know that ultimately, it’s because I’m a sinner. I also know that ultimately, I have been forgiven everything in Christ and that with the Holy Spirit, I have the power to conquer my sinful inclinations and desires to fight. But I just don’t feel like I’m winning or making any progress!!
For the past month, Travis and I haven’t gone even one whole day without fighting. Not only do I feel bad about our fighting, I wonder how much other newlyweds fight. I know the first year is supposedly the hardest. But why this hard? Is it this hard for other people? Am I just psychotic?
All I know is that I can’t keep living like this. It is miserable to always be fighting with your spouse, to be angry at them, have them angry at you, walking around on proverbial eggshells or making your spouse walk on them. I bawled in the car again last night and told Travis “Something has to change. Because I can’t keep living like this.” And as I lay this burden at the foot of the cross, I know that I won’t keep living like this–God won’t let me. Praise to Him for His faithfulness!