Humbled, yet again
The last few days have been pretty tumultuous for me emotionally. Yesterday especially. Thursday was the day I blogged last, the day I could barely stand to be in the office. If you can believe it, Friday was even worse. It was the most delightful thought to me to walk into Phil’s office and tell him I quit. To pack up my stuff and leave on the spot.
To be honest, it still is a pleasant thought.
I got home from work, just hating my life. Hating that I had a job I hated. Hating that I couldn’t quit, that I had to just endure it for however much longer and not being to bear that thought. I tried to look at jobs and work on my resume after work but the computer wasn’t cooperating. I didn’t need that. But I didn’t give up. After a few more attempts and a switch in computers, I brought up my old resume in Word and starting working on it. I even looked up a resume guide online and took their suggestions to heart.
Then all of a sudden, the computer I was working on shut down.
When I brought the program back up, my resume was back to where it had been an hour before.
I raged. I cried, hit the door, screamed, yelled “God, why?!?!? WHY!?!? Am I not miserable enough? Why this? Do you not want me to get another job? Is this Your way of telling me that?” That went on for about 15 minutes. It wasn’t my finest hour.
Finally, I calmed down enough to recall the changes I had made. I had started making when another box popped up about document recovery. I x-ed out of it and there, lo and behold, was my resume. It wasn’t exactly how I had left it but it was a lot closer than the one I had presumed to be the most recent version.
I was humbled.
And still confused.
Here I was, raging at God for no reason (the humbling part). But I was still left with the “Why?” (the confusing part). Why did I have to go through that emotional turmoil just to discover that my resume was indeed still there?
I still didn’t know “why.”
I did know that after finalizing my resume and getting Travis’ feedback, I was able to go to bed with a spark of hope instead of a cloud of doom hanging over my head. And I did know that when I woke up this morning and applied for 6 jobs, that I was excited about the possibility of a new work situation, instead of dreading heading back into the same old one.
But then, after all that, I finally discovered the “why.”
While reading Oswald Chamber’s My Utmost for His Highest, God knocked some sense into me. It’s amazing how many of Oswald Chambers exhortations do that on exactly the days I need them. The ironic part is that the readings that hit me square between the eyes were the readings I would have read on Thursday and Friday, had I gotten into the Word instead of foaming at the mouth with anger.
But first, I need to give a little background. After quite some time spent in bitterness and anger over the past week or so (and on/off for the past year or so) because of my job, I realized that the reason why working at D2S is so frustrating to me is because I feel insignificant. I have nothing to contribute because the motivation to come up with things to contribute has been snuffed out by the lack of encouragement for (and use of) contributions. Decisions are made and remade without the slightest regard for me. I feel like it can best be summed up by saying that my job is just to do what I’m told.
In light of that, these are the words God used to speak to me this afternoon:
February 5: “Are you ready to be less than a mere drop in the bucket–to be so totally insignificant that no one remembers you even if they think of those you served? Are you willing to give and be poured out until you are used up and exhausted–not seeking to be ministered to, but to minister?”
February 6: “Are you ready to be poured out as an offering? It is an act of your will, not your emotions. Tell God you are ready to be offered as a sacrifice for Him. Then accept the consequences as they come, without any complaints, in spite of what God may send your way… You must be willing to be placed on the altar and go through the fire; willing to experience what the altar represents–burning, purification, and separation for only one purpose–the elimination of every desire and affection not grounded in or directed toward God… After you have gone through the fire, there will be nothing that will be able to trouble or depress you. When another crisis arises, you will realize that things cannot touch you as they used to do… Tell God you are ready to be poured out as an offering, and God will prove Himself to be all you ever dreamed He would be.”
It is not my job that is making me miserable. Rather, it is my refusal to run to God in the midst of my frustration. It is letting my circumstances take my eyes off God. That’s what He was showing me last night when the computer died. A new job won’t make me happy. A new job won’t make my life better automatically. It still might be time for me to move on from Dare 2 Share but God is not primarily concerned about the circumstances of my life–He’s concerned about my relationship with Him. He’s concerned first and foremost about my sanctification, about refining me into the image of His Son. He reminded me that true joy — true unwavering, unshakable joy — comes from knowing Christ as my Savior. It comes from knowing that God has a plan for me and that, I love how Oswald Chambers puts it, “God will prove Himself to be all [I] ever dreamed He would be.”
I can glorify God and be the light of Christ in my current job. It will be hard and I have been brought so low that I finally recognize there is no possible way I can do get through this with my personal integrity and happiness on my own strength. I need to seek God’s face, to read the Bible and have God speak truth to my soul. But because of Christ, I have faith – and faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.
“In this world, you will have trouble but take heart; I have overcome the world.”
What an amazing God we have!
Good ole work.
Ugh. Today is one of those days when I am so frustrated and fed up with work that I fantasize about marching into Phil’s office and saying “I quit.” No 2 weeks. No explanation. (But maybe a few cuss words). Just walk out of here, home free.
But I can’t do that. We need my salary right now. I mean, I guess we could manage without it but things would be tight, especially with Travis in grad school. (Darn those higher learning expenses!)
It’s not that I don’t like my job, per se. I like what I do. I like marketing, I like my responsibilities, I like that I get to do a lot of different things, things that I wouldn’t get to do if our company was bigger (like graphic design and HTML coding). But I don’t like the atmosphere. I don’t like the leadership (or lack of it). There’s no room to grow. There’s no encouraging creative thinking. People like me just do what we’re told to do.
That’s why it throws me for a loop when my boss asks me to give him graphics and images that could represent the feel/tone of our next tour. Why I’m so confused when he asked me to work with the marketing consultants to get our website for the previews up and running.
WHAT?!?!?
You mean, you’re asking me to come up with something… on my own?
Not only does that curveball cause me to switch my train of thinking totally (from being reactive to being proactive), it also causes me to do work I think is pointless. 2 1/2 years at this job has shown me that I am directed from the top. Any spark of inspiration is snuffed out by the powers that be.
Maybe it’s the pain of being a small organization.
But just maybe it’s the pain of being with this small organization.
There are days when I enjoy my job. Those are the days when everyone lets me be, when I can do my responsibilities without these crazy notions of creation and strategy thinking intruding on my mind-numbing tasks. When I don’t have to write marketing copy. When I don’t have to envision which tab should go where on our website. I can copy and paste HTML code for emails to my heart’s content.
Most days, it’s really not this bad. But some days, it’s worse. I have had countless raving, cursing arguments with the air on my lunch hour at home. I have imagined emotional jabs, smart retorts and passionate (but true) diatribes.
But alas, none of that has actually happened. I am still here, seething in my desk chair, hacking away on my computer, just like I will be tomorrow.
Hungry
This past weekend, I tore through the book Hungry by Crystal Renn. It literally took me just Saturday and Sunday afternoon to finish the 226-page book. But she has a very conversational tone and it’s a book about modeling and the rejection of starvation so it was a pretty easy read.
But an effective read.
Just a little background on Crystal, she is the leading plus-size model in America. And by plus, I mean she’s a 12 (not that big at all). She’s 22 right now and has already appeared in 4 international editions of Vogue (something unheard of when she started plus-size modeling back in 2004ish) and a slew of other high-profile, high-glamour publications and runway shows. She’s changing the face (er, body) of high fashion modeling as I type.
The book interested me from the start because it’s about a girl practically my same age who fell prey to the same body image demon that a lot of women (myself included) fall prey to: the idol of thinness. She was anorexic for about 2 years before deciding to step out boldly and attempt to be both a high-fashion and a plus-size model.
For me, similar to Crystal, the battle to love my body began in 7th grade. Not surprisingly, the despicable area (to me) was my stomach. Come to think of it, that was the only thing I didn’t like about my body throughout high school and into college. It’s the first place my body gains weight and the last place it loses it. No matter how strong and toned my stomach muscles are, it all hides under a layer of flab (Travis loves my belly, a fact that continues to mystify me). I know that if I just buckled down and didn’t eat so much ice cream chocolate or drank so much wine and instead counted calories and exercised like a nazi, I could lose the weight.
But let’s be honest – that sounds like hell.
That’s what Hungry is all about. Life is too short, relationships are too precious, that we shouldn’t spend all of our time worrying about being a certain size in pants or a certain number on the scale. For me, it’s reminding myself that I can be happy without washboard abs. And indeed, getting those washboard abs would guarantee misery for me because I would have to count calories, give up my favorite foods, and hand over my life to an illusion that is constantly just out of reach. I would rather enjoy life, eat great food, and do what I love than be a slave to image.
Of course, this is all so easy to say in the confines of my home office, where I am wearing a sweatshirt and slouching. But it’s a lot harder to accept myself when I go to Mexico and am surrounded by my bikini-clad, impossibly thin sisters-in-law. [They are great women and I love being around them. They are not judgmental at all and I have never had rude/snotty comments made about me. And I have to be honest and say that I'm not the giant cow I make myself out to be (though if you asked me on a different day, I might say otherwise).] Nonetheless, I have body issues. I’m sure every woman does and I have tried to remind myself of that.
But here’s what I’m learning. It isn’t worth the pain and anguish and worry to look a certain way. It’s better for me to wear a tankini and just cover up the area that gives me so much grief so that I can relax and enjoy myself already. I’m not trying to seduce anyone anyway – in fact, I have spent hours scouring racks in search of a bikini that doesn’t give this 34D girl major cleave (my search has, so far, been unsuccessful).
Not only does my obsession with looking a certain way (but never quite getting there) make me miserable, it makes me judgmental of other women. [This is hard to admit and I only do so because I think it's the elephant in the corner. I think more women do this than like to admit it because it casts ourselves in a bad light. But hey, I know I'm a sinner in need of a Savior so I can fight against these tendencies with the freedom of knowing that even when I fail, I am still loved by God.] I am constantly comparing myself with them: “Skinnier than her – I’m better. She’s skinnier than me – I suck!”
In her book, Crystal tells women that they cannot look to the external world and society for validation and acceptance. That has to come from inside. As a Christian, I totally agree with her but would also add that validation and acceptance comes from being reminded of how precious we are in God’s eyes because of what Christ has done for us. We wear the robe of righteousness, of perfection.
More than that, God has created each of us to be different – to be exactly the way we are. I can stomp my feet all I want at how God created me but the fact that He created me to have long legs, a short torso, and a skinny little neck is a fact of life. I can spend my entire life wanting to change it (and being unsuccessful) or I can, like Crystal encourages, accept my uniqueness and embrace who I am, as a unique woman with a unique body shape.
Crystal talks about women having a “set point” – a weight that their body naturally prefers and gravitates to. I can back that up with experience from my own life. As an adult, I have always been about the same weight. The low exception was when I studied abroad in Venezuela (all the food went straight through me and I lost about 8 pounds in 6 weeks) and the high exception was when I was a pothead my freshman year of college and got the fierce munchies every night (I gained 20 pounds in about 2.5 months). But other than that, I’ve been pretty much the same weight as an adult, give or take 5 pounds.
I have also found that I am happier when I am focused on feeling and being healthy, instead of looking a certain way. I don’t feel healthy when I eat too much food for dinner or lay around on the couch all day. I don’t feel healthy when all I just eat sugar or I eat a big, greasy meal (my acid reflux hates me then too). I DO feel healthy when I take time to prepare and enjoy real meals (instead of grab-n-go stuff like I did in college), when I exercise regularly (pilates and swimming especially), and when I take time to relax and enjoy reading, writing, blogging, and hanging out with my husband and girlfriends.
I am all for women respecting themselves and their bodies by healthy living. Whether that that means their set point is a 2 or 12, that is how God made them. This book has completely changed the way I look at overweight people. Who am I to judge? I don’t know near the whole story and if they are overweight because of emotional issues, then they need a friend, not a judge. Healthy women are beautiful. (I pray that I will believe this more and more each day).
This pledge was in Crystal’s book (and she got it from Health at Every Size by Linda Bacon). It is my new credo:
The Live Well Pledge
Today, I will try to feed myself when I am hungry.
Today, I will try to be attentive to how foods taste and make me feel.
Today, I will try to choose foods that I like and that make me feel good.
Today, I will try to honor my body’s signals of fullness.
Today, I will try to find an enjoyable way to move my body.
Today, I will try to look kindly at my body and to treat it with love and respect.
I think that embracing and cherishing the body that God has given us is glorifying Him. It’s saying that His blessing in our lives is enough. His standard of beauty, and not the world’s, is what matters. “There is great gain in godliness with contentment.”
Obedience tastes sweet.
Last night, Travis and I went to a going-away party for a guy from Travis’ work. We drove down where the party was with our friends Ahren and Lauren (Ahren works with Travis too).
Just to give you a little background, Ahren and Lauren are fun to hang out with. We get along well and enjoy the same activities: hunting, camping, hiking, fishing, etc. But they are not believers. They go to mass and consider themselves Catholic, though they don’t believe everything the Catholic religion believes. They like to party (aka get drunk) but usually with us, they just chill and have a few.
Because I have been convicted of sharing my faith more earnestly, I have been praying and looking for opportunities to bring up the gospel. I had thought about calling Lauren up and asking her out to coffee, since I only ever hang out with her in group settings. And I still might do that. We’ll see.
So last night, when we were on our way to the party, we happened to drive past the Denver Seminary. Ahren said that he didn’t know Denver had a seminary, and that he didn’t even know what a seminary was. We got on the subject of priests and how many new ones we thought there had been in the past couple of years (not many). And I felt the Spirit prompting that this was my chance.
The question that popped into my head was “What do you think about heaven?” There was a lull in the conversation and it would’ve been the perfect time but I was so scared to bring it up that I kept my mouth shut. Then Travis said something else and the conversation got off topic so I thought I was out my chance. I could feel my skin burning, the way it does when I have been really, really, really nervous and am finally let off the hook.
But as we continued driving (this place was about a 30 minute drive away), I couldn’t stop thinking about it. If I truly believe that they’re going to hell because they don’t believe in Christ, I can’t just shrug the conversation off like “it just wasn’t the right time.” It is always the right time, whether it’s awkward or not.
So I just blurted it out: “What do Catholics believe about heaven?”
Ahren asked if I was asked about anything specific in regards to heaven and I said no, I just didn’t know much about the Catholic faith. He said that they do believe that there’s a heaven and that you get there by asking for forgiveness (or by living exactly the way they want you to, which both Ahren and Lauren admitted was impossible… so at least there’s that). I confirmed that they believed forgiveness was the way you get to heaven. They said yes, that and confession. You’re supposed to go every week. I asked if they do that. Both of them said that they hadn’t gone to confession in years.
“So you’re just banking on asking for forgiveness before you die?” I asked.
“Something like that,” they replied.
“Do you believe in Jesus?”
“Yes, we do. We believe that he was the Messiah,” Ahren said. They said something else after this about Jesus and one religion not being for everyone but I can’t remember exactly what it was. But it prompted me to ask,
“Do you think Jesus is the only way to heaven?” They didn’t.
Then I quoted to them Jesus’ saying, “I am the way, the truth, the life, and no one comes to the Father except through me.”
“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said.
“There’s a book called More Than a Carpenter,” I said.
“I’ve heard of that book!” Lauren said.
“In it, it says that Jesus was either a lunatic, liar, or Lord. So he’s either crazy, lying about everything, or he’s actually God. If he is God, then we have to believe everything he says because God is perfect.”
“Hmmmmm,” Ahren said again.
“He also says that we have to born again to be saved, that we get to heaven by putting our trust in Christ. That it’s not about how good we are, how we live, what we do with our lives, but about putting our trust in Him. He came to earth and lived a perfect life (it says in Hebrews that he didn’t sin), then died on the cross for our sins (he could do that because he was fully God and fully man), and we go to heaven by putting our faith in Him alone.”
“Hmmmm,” Ahren said.
At this point, we were reading the directions and trying to figure out where to turn so the conversation got a little distracting. But I didn’t want to lose the chance to share the gospel so I just pushed ahead.
Ahren started to say, “We do believe in the crucifixion, that Jesus died for our sins…” But then we found the place and the conversation was over. But Travis has a great starting point now the next Ahren and he go out to lunch to ask Ahren what he thought about what we talked about the other night.
I asked Travis later in the night what he thought of the conversation. He said that it was pretty awkward but that he thought it was good and that it might have always been awkward. It would be interesting to know what those kinds of conversations feel like on the other side. Maybe they just feel awkward to us because we’re the ones who are telling the gospel.
But I finally obeyed the Spirit! There have been other times when I thought about sharing the gospel (not necessarily with Ahren and Lauren) but I’ve kept my mouth shut because of somehow rationalizing the reason why I didn’t have to or shouldn’t share the gospel at that moment. I was able to convince myself that it wasn’t really the Spirit’s prompting, it was just an idea I had on my own. Not so! The guilt I felt after those missed opportunities showed me that it was the Spirit leading me, and I had disobeyed. Now I know from experience that instead of guilt, obedience tastes sweet.
I have been battling with the tension between living out my faith and being intentional about sharing my faith. I think that we are called to live out our faith always, even in the midst of sharing our faith. But we are also called to share our faith with unbelievers with words and intentionality. And I am so glad that I did that last night. Selfishly, I am also happy that it didn’t make things awkward between us but I’d rather it be awkward for them to come to know Christ than to maintain the peace and settle for being “friends” with people who we know are going to hell. (How can we be friends with them and be ok with that, is what I want to know? We need to remind ourselves that, like C.S. Lewis says, “There are no mere mortals.” Everyone we see is going to either heaven or hell. Greg Stier said that he always imagined people with “Bound for Hell” stamped across their foreheads to give him motivation to share the gospel. He even to the malls on the weekends when he was in high school to do cold evangelism.)
Anyway, I will pray for Ahren and Lauren, that God will plant a seed in them. I will also pray for Travis, that he has the boldness and opportunity to bring it up again with Ahren.
Something that has helped me is to remind myself while I’m talking to other people about the gospel that I have staked my life on this. This is what has shaped my entire being, values, daily activity, friends, etc. I am just sharing what I believe with others, not trying to cram it down their throats. I honestly what to dialogue about the gospel with people. If they don’t believe, that’s God’s business. But if they do, what an amazing thing to behold (it hasn’t happened to me yet but I’m hoping it will as I start/continue to share my faith!)
What shall I render to the LORD for all his benefits to me?
I have started to re-read We Would See Jesus by Roy Hession and while the whole book is utterly fantastic, this part put into words what I have been muttering in my soul for… a long time.
“To concentrate on service and activity for God may often actively thwart our attaining of the true goal, God Himself. At first sight it seems heroic to fling our lives away in the service of God and of our fellows. We feel it is bound to mean more to Him than our experience of Him. Service seems so unselfish, whereas concentrating on our walk with God seems selfish and self-centered. But it is the very reverse. The things that God is most concerned about are our coldness of heart towards Himself and our proud, unbroken natures. Christian service of itself can, and so often does, leave our self-centred nature untouched. That is why there is scarcely a church, a mission station, or a committee undertaking a special piece of service, that is without an unresolved problem of personal relationships eating out its heart and thwarting its progress. This is because Christian service often gives us opportunities of leadership and position that we could not attain in the secular world, and we quickly fall into pride, self-seeking and ambition. With those things hidden in our hearts, we have only to work alongside others, and we find resentment, hardness, criticism, jealousy, and frustration issuing from our hearts. We think we are working for God, but the test of how little of our service is for Him is revealed by our resentment or self-pity, when the actions of others, or circumstances, or ill-health take it from us!
“In this condition we are trying to give to others an answer which we have not truly and deeply found for ourselves. The tragedy is that much of the vast network of Christian activity and service is bent on propagating an answer for people’s needs and problems which few of those propagating it are finding adequate in their own lives. We need to leave our lusting for ever-larger spheres of Christian service and concentrate on seeing God for ourselves and finding the deep answer for life in Him. Then, even if we are located in the most obscure corner of the globe, the world will make a road to our door to get that answer. Our service of help to our fellows then becomes incidental to our vision of God, and the direct consequence of it.” (emphasis mine)
Wow. This is exactly what I needed to hear. This is exactly what I have been feeling, though I couldn’t voice it – that concentrating on my relationship with God was selfish and that I needed to be about other people. My fear is that if I let go of my felt need to serve and instead concentrate on God, then I won’t ever serve. That is the devil trying to keep me from growing closer to God!
I recommend this book to everyone but especially those who don’t feel close to God, or don’t completely understand the purpose of life.
Just another little snippet that is also wonderful:
“Grace permits us to come (nay, demands that we come) as empty sinners to be blessed, empty of right feelings, good character, and satisfactory record, with nothing to commend ourselves but our deep need, fully and frankly acknowledged. Then grace, being what it is, is drawn by that need to satisfy it, just as water is drawn to depth that it might fill it. This means that when at last we are content to find no merit nor procuring cause in ourselves, and are willing to admit the full extent of our sinfulness, then there is no limit to what God will do for the poor who look to Him in their nothingness.”
It is mind-boggling to me that God accepts, and actually requires, that I acknowledge my complete lack and His complete abundance. I don’t have to bring anything to the table. I don’t have to have any redeeming qualities in myself. I can come as a empty, weak, wretched sinner and God’s grace reaches out generously to bless me.
“Nothing in my hands I bring; simply to Thy cross I cling.”
“What shall I render unto the LORD for all his benefits toward me? I will take the cup of salvation, and call upon the name of the LORD.” (Psalm 116:12-13).
Instead of praying to be a vessel that God uses as He wills, I have been taking it upon myself to be of service to God. I have felt the responsibility and guilt of making my life worthwhile and meaningful. That is God’s job! I am the clay; He is the potter. He knows I want to be used. He wants to use me. He may not use me in the way I want to be or think I should be used but He will use me in His own way. It is insofaras I am walking closely with God that I will see the path and purpose for my life.
Kids
I know its an exaggeration but it seriously feels like everyone in the world is having kids except for me and Travis. At first, it was just all of our church friends. But now, all of our friends from MN are having kids too! It’s craziness!
I have to admit, it gets me thinking more and more about having kids of our own. I mean, how could it not? I get to see the pleasant side of things, when the baby is cute and cuddly and wearing adorable little outfits. I don’t see the a.m. feedings or sleepless nights or long stints of crying. I do though somewhat experience the new parents’ inability to do anything spontaneous and eventually, when they get older and can’t get sleep anywhere, anything past 7 p.m.
Travis keeps reminding me, the grass is always greener on the other side. And it’s not that I don’t enjoy our childless freedom right now. We just bought plane tickets for a 3-day Christmas/Valentine’s Day trip to Salt Lake City at the end of February. I am going to start training for another triathlon at the beginning of February and am still planning on training for the Twin Cities Marathon after that. Travis has already written every single date of every single hunting season for every single animal in his new planner. We couldn’t do any of that if we had a kid right now (well, I guess Travis could write the dates in his planner… but they wouldn’t amount to anything 
).
Even though I am excited to have kids, I really feel (mostly) ok with waiting. I don’t have the kind of overwhelming anticipation about having kids that I had about getting married. Not because I’m less excited but more because I am more confident that right now is not the right time for kids. When Travis and I were dating, I didn’t give a rat’s @$$ about timing because I wanted to be married. NOW. Period.
But with kids, it’s different. You can’t date a kid and get used to the feeling of being in a parent-child relationship. You’re not a parent and then you are. You’re just a married couple and then you are parents. There is no in between, no easing into it.
I think the reason why seeing other women having babies makes me want one is because I know that I will enjoy it so much. It is a new season of life and while there are trade-offs and limitations, I’m sure any new parent would tell you that they’re totally worth it. And while I am still confounded by the fact that Travis and I are old enough to be parents (!?!?!?!), I really want to start a family.
Which begs the infamous question: “So when are you thinking about having kids?” I think it will be another 2-3 years, according to the Kluthe timeline (God may have something else in mind, as He did with the Normans). We would like to have some more of our student loans paid off/down and for Travis to be done with grad school (which he expects to happen spring/summer of 2011).
All in good, and God’s, time!
In light of eternity…
I wish I could turn my brain off. I wish I could stop analyzing. Stop comparing. Stop condemning. Myself, that is.
You see, I walk around with this shadow of guilt sitting on my shoulder. I haven’t done anything wrong… but then, I haven’t done anything right either. I’m mediocre, stuck in the middle. One of the masses. Your average Joe…Joette?
And I want to be fine with that. I used to be fine with that. I’m not the kind of person who needs the infamy of the limelight. I am content in the background, supporting, organizing, planning.
But there’s this restlessness in my head that just won’t let me be content with my life. I keep seeing the ways I could be better, ways I’m not measuring up. Ways I should be different.
A leadership book I’m reading says I should accept myself. “How does a Christian do that?” I wonder. “Is that even a biblical principle?” I dare say it’s not…
At least not totally.
What does Paul mean when he says “Nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh.” I think he means exactly what he says. There is nothing good in him.
Does that sound like self-acceptance?
No.
Hmmm… then what? Jesus said in John 10:10 that He came so that we might have life, and to the fullest. Pray tell, where do I find that life?
Some would say the fullest life is found in self-acceptance. But I’ve tried that and found that there’s really nothing much in me worth accepting.
The trite (though true) Christian answer: the gospel.
But what does that mean? The terminology is thrown around so much that I think a telling head nod and eyebrow rise should go with it… you know, the gospel? What they don’t explain, though, is how does the gospel give us life and life to the fullest? Because I understand the gospel, at least in principle. But as of yet, I don’t think I’ve found the fullest life. At least, I can imagine a fuller one. I can imagine a lot of things. And therein lies my problem.
If you asked me why I’m discontent with my life, and what I thought I should/could do to make it “better,” my answer would be something like, “Well, I feel like I should be making a difference, more giving of my time, more generous with my money, less lazy with my evenings, more productive with my weekends, more loving toward my husband and more enjoying of my life.”
So you ask, why don’t you do those things then?
Good question.
Self, why don’t I do those things?
::Silence.::
I guess you’ll have to check back later.
But I had the insight as I was driving home from work tonight, that it’s all because of eternity. Living in light of eternity is always presented in a positive light as something Christians should do. We’re reminded about it so often because our natural tendency is to live for the present only and forget that we’re going to heaven when we die and that our actions here do matter for eternity.
But you know what, I think that my initial inclination was wrong. I thought I was too concerned with eternity, so much so that I couldn’t live in the present without feeling the “weight of glory” on my shoulders, as C.S. Lewis puts it. But actually, I think that I, too, am only concerned with the present. Whereas most people’s inclination is to lose touch with the fact that their present actions have eternal ramifications and they just go about their day without thinking, I can’t seem to move off of that notion. I am consumed with thinking that everyday, eternity is being written. This is my one life…
And this is how I’m spending it.
Just as I longed for the days of unanalyzed eating in the midst of my calorie counting obsession, I now long for the days of unanalyzed living.
I can’t wait for eternity.
Minnesota Christmas
I’m in Minnesota right now at Travis’ parents’ house in Grand Rapids. We got here last night after driving up from Pine City, where we were at my parents’ lake cabin for Christmas with my family.
Christmas was nice and relaxing. We ate and opened presents late on Christmas Eve, then went to church and ate some more on Christmas Day. The church service on Christmas made me cry. It was a small-town Lutheran church and the pastor (a female) gave a confusing, vague and heretical sermon about the inner holiness that we need to see in every human by having our eyes healed by the baby in the manger. I know that there are members of my family who aren’t trusting Christ for salvation and it broke my heart to realize that hearing messages like that might make them think that they’re ok and don’t need Christ. I was actually so frustrated with the sermon that I went up to the pastor afterward and told her my concerns. She looked at me with pity and compassion, agreeing with everything I said and contesting nothing. I walked away even more frustrated. I wanted to tell her that she was leading people to hell with her heresies but I didn’t. I don’t think it would’ve done any good anyway.
We visited our good friends Mark and Sarah last night at Mark’s parents’ house. They live in NC so we don’t get to see them very often. Mark was the best man in our wedding and they got married about a month after we did. They just had a baby girl in August. So weird! It is very hard for me to grasp the fact that Travis and I are old enough to be parents and it could be just a matter of a few years before we actually are. So weird.
But I am think I am ready to have kids for the most part. We are going to wait until Travis is done with grad school (God willing) and we have more of our debt paid off. But I’m thinking we should wait only another 2-3 years at the most. I’ll be 28-29 then. Our relaxed, spontaneous family vacations are limited. Kids will change the dynamic even more than spouses did. But as with them, it will be for the better. Good additions to the family. Plus, I love having “sisters.”
I don’t know what we’ll do with Travis’ family while we’re here. Usually we go to a movie, sledding, snowmobiling, read, ice fish and talk. This year, Drew (our nephew) got Big Buck Hunter for the TV so Travis will of course be playing that a lot. It’s great being on vacation and just chilling with family. It makes Travis and I wonder what life would have been like had we stayed in MN instead of moving to CO. It would have been WAY different. And I think, easier. But we are glad that we moved. We believe that God led us out to CO and that He has us there for a reason. We still talk seriously about moving back in 5-10 years but Colorado is where we’ll stay for now.
Nevertheless, Minnesota will always feel like home.
Majorly bummed.
So the whole job thing didn’t quite work out as anticipated. Not only am I not starting in January, I’m not sure I’ll get a job with that organization at all. From what my friend D (who left D2S to work for them) tells me, it sounds like they are rethinking a lot of things and haven’t figured anything out for sure. They’ve even talked about changing her level of responsibility and even her payscale, which is totally not cool. So D is glad that this happened before I got in the middle of it but it’s still a major bummer. I was really ready to leave AND I was really excited about the new opportunity.
But it doesn’t sound like they’ve for sure decided to not hire anyone… it’s just more about timing. Do they hire someone now or 3, 6, 12 months from now? If D has any say in it, if they do eventually decide to hire someone, I would be offered the position. So the hope and potential is still there. It’s just no longer on the near horizon.
Before I found this out yesterday, I had been reminding myself of God’s goodness, love and perfect timing. After I found out, I saw how easily I could abandon all those truths and instead be mad at God. “Why can’t I have this job? Why did You let me get all excited about this when You knew it wouldn’t happen? Why do You have to teach me to rely on You this way? I really wanted this job and You knew it!”
That’s what I wanted to say.
But I can’t let that be my attitude. God does have perfect timing and He is good, regardless of circumstances. And 24/7, He is not only able but willing to provide for me. So when I am tempted to lament to myself “I can’t take any more of D2S! I want out NOW!”, I have to remind myself of 2 Corinthians 12:9 – “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” and Psalm 55:22 – “Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall.” It makes it sound like D2S is a horrible place to work (which it isn’t) but it helps to remind myself that God will enable me to endure, to perservere, to press on even when the going is rough.
On a positive note, there is a blizzard moving in across Colorado, Nebraska, Iowa, and Minnesota so Travis and I are leaving for Minnesota a day early (tonight!) I haven’t even started packing but luckily, I did my baking last night so that’s all ready to go. I didn’t get a chance to buy my oldest bro’s Christmas present (was going to do that tonight) so we’ll have to figure out a Plan B for that.
The positive side, though, is that 1) One less day of work 2) One more day with my family and 3) One less day of work.
Hopefully Christmas and my fam will cheer up my spirits.
Jitters.
It has been getting harder and harder to be at work this week. Not because I don’t want to be there or I’m bored. It’s the anticipation that’s killing me.
More and more it’s sounding like if this deal with this organization goes through and I get offered the job (I will tell more specifics later, if it ends up being a for-sure thing), I could start as early as January 4th. Which means I would give my 2 weeks notice next Monday 12/21 and be done on Wednesday 12/23, because of Christmas and the mandatory furlough my company is taking the week after Christmas. Not only that but I would get back from Minnesota on 1/3, the night before I would start my new job. I wouldn’t even have my home office set up or anything! It would definitely be a whirlwind if it went down that way.
But with the major transitions and restructuring right now (we let go of 5 employees last week), there is a lot of talk about who will be doing what going forward. I would like to be able to give notice before too many things get reassigned to me, because I’ll just have to turn around and tell them I’m leaving.
It sounds hopeful because the president of this nonprofit asked my friend D when I would need to know for sure in order to allow me to start at the beginning of Jan. So at least he’s aiming for that! If it doesn’t happen, I am trusting that it is God’s perfect timing and the best thing for everyone involved. I would either give my 2 weeks notice on Jan 4th or as soon as I could thereafter.
Man, it’s so hard not knowing!! This is definitely a lesson in patience and waiting on God. And I know that He is able and willing to provide for me, and He is sovereign and good. He has a plan for my life. This may be His plan (as it seems) but it may not. And I pray that I will have the grace to accept His plan either way.
